Hanging in the Balance (from March 2018)

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I'm an Idiom

idiom: "a group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words"

Hanging in the balance. (an idiom)
"To be perilously close to failing, depending on the outcome of something.
"Be in a precarious condition or in a state of suspense."

The definition of an idiom sounds like when I try to communicate something. :)

I chose this particular idiom (hanging in the balance) because that is what my life has felt like at various times--especially recently. In some ways, I guess we're all one step away from "failing" (whatever your definition of that may be.) Making a big mistake or a wrong turn or whatever it might be. Yet I always go back to a quote that my junior high choir teacher put to music:

"I'm not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed. And the number of times that I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying." --Tom Hopkins (no relation)

Mom fails, wife fails, job fails,calling fails, sister/daughter/friend fails--- you name it, I've done it. However, I'm not done trying. Trying might as well be my middle name. Life is full of precarious conditions. We felt suspended as we waited for our home to be built. Yet we are in and happy and life is fine--even with personal set-backs of questioning if I'm good enough or strong enough or smart enough.

Yikes, I'm being so vague. I'm not trying to hide my reality, I just don't know what to share. Basically it's been really difficult for me to find some kind of balance with all my responsibilities at home and work and--life. Perhaps that's an unending quest, finding true balance. Yet some days I feel really close, and I know I'm improving. So even if I'm "hanging"-- I'll hang with balance.

5 Months Out (written 1/21/18)

What It Is

Sometimes you can get to know what something is by knowing what it is not.

As I'm appreciating the occupation of our new home, I've been thinking of the things we won't have to deal with anymore. As my siblings and parents often say, "First world problems."

• Live in close quarters (either in a trailer or apartment).
• Do laundry at the laundromat or hang clothes on a clothesline.
• Not have a place for things.
• Scrape windshields in frost or snow.
• Have limited choices of meals to make.
• Worry about limited data.
• Have less selection of apparel.

Maybe there is more, but those are the main things I've thought of. And they're really not that big of a deal. What I know is that I will not take anything I have for granted, and truly appreciate it. 

What it is, is:

• A miracle.
• Awesome.
• Wonderful.

I'm not sure lucky and blessed belong in the same sentence, but I'm not sure how to separate the feeling. Thinking back on the past 10 years (our anniversary is in a couple of weeks), it's interesting and amazing how we got here. Yet we got here together. It's where we are supposed to be and where we're going to stay. I love this great, roller-coaster, incredible life!

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, 

life is but a dream."

1 More Year to Go

Happy Birthday to Me! 

I'm 39 today!

This post is going to be rather boring, as I am too lazy to include any pictures at the moment. Yet it's not boring to me because of all the amazing, miraculous, awesome stuff that has happened and for which I am extremely grateful in the last month!

• Put house up for sale.
• Had 4 offers (above asking price) and under contract in 4 days.
• Found out about, applied for, and obtained a job as the PE/Health teacher at North Sanpete Middle School!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Moved to Fairview ( a beautiful place just right for our family)
• Have so many loving, amazing family and friends with whom to enjoy life!

Blessings from above is all I can think of or say. And there are SO SO many fabulous people in my life who have helped me get to this point in my life. To you all I say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!!! <3

The Low Down and the Up & Up

 Change is good...right?

There is much need for an update. We are selling our house in Provo.

We have loved it here. We love being close to the river trail and the lake. We like our house and love our yard. We are so grateful for all that brought us to this place. We considered making our house more into what we wanted. And then there was the feeling that we needed to eventually be somewhere else.

In the meantime, we put in a dump-truck full of soft beach sand in the hole where our pond used to be.

I also finally got my hair colored. The sun makes it look a lot more drastic, but it turned out nice. :)

As we determined we were going to move, I also got really motivated to finish more projects. This is a quilt I started for my parents' 25th Anniversary-- they will be celebrating their 40th anniversary this year. ;)-  Thanks to a lovely quilting genius in my neighborhood, it turned out really well. :) (My sisters and I pieced it and finished the edge.)

Daniel rented some fun equipment to finish off the rest of the hole from the former pond.

We've been enjoying our yard now that the weather has (mostly) turned nice. This boy even learned how to ride his sisters' four-wheeler. :)

There are many things I will miss about being here. The mountains and places I have grown up with.

Most of all, I'll miss being around the wonderful people I have come to know and learn from. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to letting them know sufficiently how much I appreciate them, yet I hope they at least feel it.

I know these low feelings will eventually give way to the exciting feelings of being in a new place-- building a new home-- having adventures with my fun little family.  The kids have had fun playing on the building materials on a lot close to ours in Fairview.

 






We get to live in a trailer while our house is built, and that will be good times. I think we'll enjoy our .69 acre slice of heaven (90 feet wide, 300 & something feet long). ;)

My Life as a Cross Stitch

Girl with Cosmos

Why I Could Die Happy Today

In the Summer of 1998*, I had the opportunity to go live with my mother’s oldest sister’s family in Texas and work at my uncle’s company in the office. This was a very welcome gift, as I was somewhat lost as a young adult—having started college, yet struggled and resorted to working instead. I had never lived away from home, yet this felt do-able because I would still be with family.

I was so grateful to Aunt Ginny for having me live in her home for a year and a half or so, I wanted to do something special for her. It’s been so long, I don’t really know how it came about—if I had started the cross stitch piece and my aunt commented on it, or if I purchased it specifically for her. Whatever the case, the cross stitch was to be the gift I chose to say THANK YOU.

And so it was that I had great hopes once I left Texas in the Fall of 1999* to quickly complete her gift and deliver it.

Hopes only go so far.

I have contemplated recently that it might be part of my personality or some kind of other disorder, yet the main concept is that I start things and have trouble finishing them. I’m pretty sure it was a miracle I finished a college degree. With that weakness, it has been a burdensome existence to have many things around me unfinished. Until now.

Honestly, I don’t know what has made the biggest difference—the medication, or my ability at last to prioritize more effectively and actually DO things rather than just THINK about them. Ultimately, I must give much of the credit to the miraculous effect of the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Since the time I truly humbled myself and admitted I couldn’t change and be better on my own and relied on the Lord, I have been quite a better version of myself.

Now as to why my life is like this cross stitch I finally completed.

First, the words of a children’s song:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in Heaven it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God’s light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God’s plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

So if you’ve never done any kind of counted cross stitch thing, it comes with a pattern and a ‘plan’ (if you will) as to how to go about sewing it. I did my best to follow the plan, yet there were places where I miscounted the stitches and things got off a little. I don’t believe I messed up enough to have to pick out the stitches and start over, yet the overall picture is certainly not perfect. In fact, there are LOTs of mistakes. I didn’t even bother taking a pic of the sample picture because I didn’t want to show what was left out or different. J However—and you can make your own judgment—I think it turned out rather nice. You can tell there was effort and care, even if it did take a long time to complete because it was neglected for various lengths of time. You can tell what the picture is supposed to be, and it looks pretty good. The mistakes aren’t really noticeable unless you’re a cross stitch expert or have the  plans and examine how it matches up or doesn’t.

Thus is my life. I have desires to complete it in a pleasing way, yet I know I’ve made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes—and possibly some things will be left out. Yet I know that because of the Savior, my life will still be beautiful and meaningful and I can offer it as a pleasing gift to my Heavenly Father when my time is done. My cross stitch could never adequately express all the thanks I feel to my aunt and all she has done for me—just as any good I could ever do would never adequately match the priceless gifts God has given to me. Yet what I can offer is sufficient, and will be accepted.

I know I have much more to learn and do here on earth, yet I could die happy today because I finally completed something important that I started.

*It's been so long, I didn't even have the years right at first. :)-

Seeing and Healing

Comparison: left=dirty, right=clean

All clean :)

My Apologies to those who have been in my house the past few years...

I have been admiring my fridge-- both outside and inside-- for the past few weeks. Why? Because I FINALLY deep cleaned it.

Had I noticed that it needed to be cleaned before? Probably. I'm pretty sure I cleaned the inside of the fridge a few times in the last few years. The outside though....yikes! I guess I didn't realize what the accumulation of opening and closing the fridge door with human hands had done to the handles. I'm pretty sure I tried wiping the handles down a few times in the last few years. Obviously that didn't cut it.

I finally decided to do a GREAT job instead of an OK job of cleaning. And I had to start small. It basically took the following tools: 

I had used each of these tools before, but the difference afterward hadn't been anything like what happened to my fridge handles. It was amazing the change that had come about! I had no idea I had been living and being content with such mediocrity.

I blame it on blindness. On apathy. On whatever has been plaguing my life with ho-hum living. It feels so nice to break free of that and start making changes--even though they are small. And I realize that's the method I need to work with. So often I want to tackle a cleaning task (i.e. the whole kitchen) in one day. That usually doesn't happen and is not realistic with my time or energy or life with kids. So lately I have just been choosing something to work on each day. Like President Thomas S. Monson said: "Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a cinch."

I want my home to be clean and inviting and a place where my family can be healthy and happy. I will continue to seek out good resources for ideas and encouragement and help. This one might be retro, but it's pretty fun. :)

The #LighttheWorld initiative is a wonderful way to live this month! I am so grateful for Jesus Christ who helps me to see in so many ways and heals me. I use present tense verbs because it is happening even now and will continue to happen for the rest of my life as I turn to Him. <3

Maturity

Growing Up

I may have mentioned I've been reading my journals from my past. (This pic is of my current journal.) It's been very interesting and educational. It's nice to see the progress made, and I've rolled my eyes when I continued to make the same dumb mistakes...and realized that I am still doing some of the lame things I used to.  I've mostly been skimming through (because there is a lot of life I've written down...and eventually a project will be to type it all up in digital form.) 

What I've gleaned from my past is that I have taken a VERY long time growing up. I think immaturity is a characteristic of issues such as bipolar or personality disorders. It's such a weird experience waking up to a new awareness of my thinking processes and reasons behind my actions.

Maturity can be defined in a lot of different ways, yet a Google search produces some helpful ventures. Such as THIS. And this.  For my own definition, it is coming to live life on my own terms and not just following along with some idea of what I "should" be doing. I absolutely need the guidance that I've received as a general outline of my life...yet it is up to me to decide who I will become. 

And the way to become my very best self is to give my will to God. He knows so much better what will help me and what I'm capable of-- and how to reach that potential. I have been so stubborn and prideful for much too long, trying to make it on my own. I've given my Heavenly Father a nod along the way-- as in "Yes, I know you're there....and I believe in You and know You are important to me. I just want to be strong and independent and show You that I don't need help like other people do."

HA!!!!!

He is kind and wise and patient and oh so merciful. He knows in my heart I've wanted to do the right things (even if not always for the best reasons), and He knows I've made silly errors in thinking and understanding what is real and true. EVEN SO-- what I continue to learn is it is never too late. Now is the best time. For whatever. For truly growing up-- while still remaining child-like in my enthusiasm for life, love for others, and faith and hope in possibilities.

Tools of Self Discovery

This has been rough

I was notably (to myself) missing from this blog in August-- yet there's a reason for that. I didn't want to post anything until I had accomplished most of my home cleaning goals. (Or I told myself I didn't 'get' to post anything until I had completed certain tasks...as motivation or something.)

Anyway, it's been an interesting Summer. Trying out this generic Prozac medication and having my brain and psyche come out of some sort of fog. It's kind of weird. Feeling "normal" or as close as one can be to that-- in their own kind of way.

One of the notable tasks that required the pictured tools above was our tub. I knew it was a task that I had been putting off. And it's not like I hadn't wiped it down a few times and such. But I had no idea what it was really going to take. I hadn't realized I had neglected this part of our home so much that I would need to use such effort to remove the layers of hard water/soap/whatever build-up that was there. I actually scraped the stuff off because nothing else would work. (And I didn't want to use really harsh chemicals even if they would have worked.)

Kind of symbolic. Of how I'm scraping away all the residue that has built up emotionally and otherwise throughout my life. And I'm uncovering who I really am and have the potential to become. 

It's looking nice and shiny and clean and fresh-- just like our tub. :)

Awakening

What Do I Really Want?

It has been quite the month since I last posted. Do you ever feel like you're just now waking up from the life you've been living and ready to take on the new day? Well, that's what I've felt like.

I know my life has been good up to this point. I know all the experiences I have had have helped me learn and grow. It's just so strange to get to this part of my life and feel like I'm only NOW starting to live. I think re-birth happens multiple times in different ways. Yes, I was "born again" when I was baptized in water as an 8 year old. Yet the true meaning and depth of that rebirth has only now made sense and become true and real and permanent in my life. And it has come about because of simple, small, daily steps on a path I have chosen.

So now what? There does not seem to be limits to what can be accomplished. I just have to decide what I really want now. What is most important? What and who do I REALLY want to be?

Let me mention one of my little accomplishments. I am now a habitual flosser. You might think that's trivial, but it's not to me. I have always wanted to do better at flossing, and after each dentist visit (scraping the plaque :( ) I was good for a few days but then gave up. Not anymore. I floss every night after I brush my teeth. Even when I don't feel like it.

Another little accomplishment is staying on track for a reading challenge of The Book of Mormon. I have had multiple opportunities to do this throughout my life, but as my former self did-- I started out strong only to taper off and give up. I am doing the daily, consistent effort now. I love it. I'm so happy!

I have not yet been able to clearly identify and put into words what I really want. That is my next goal. Plan on seeing that post next. :)

Two Years to Go...

"Know from whence you came. If you know whence you came, there are absolutely no limitations to where you can go."

- James Baldwin

10 years ago I felt stuck. I was trying my best in life, yet I just didn't seem to be making the progress I expected or hoped for. I decided I needed to look at where I had been in my life.

And then I looked at where I wanted to go-- who I wanted to be.

It would be another year before I really started to "come to myself" and make some necessary changes in my life. I met my handsome husband in September of 2007. We married in February 2008. We got off to a pretty good start, and things were just rolling along....yet along that road I started to lose myself again. I struggled to know what I was supposed to do or be as a stepmom and a wife. I struggled when I had a miscarriage. I was so thankful and blessed and happy to have a baby girl, yet then I struggled as a new mom. Preoccupied with all the ways I wasn't measuring up or frustrated that things weren't turning out as I imagined...or whatever else. I had so many blessings around me, yet I wasn't appreciating or recognizing them as well as I could have.

So two years ago, I realized I needed to have something to look forward to-- a destination of sorts to re-focus and re-evaluate and revitalize my life. Turning 40 is that destination. And I want to arrive being the best version of myself as possible. 

This has taken me to a level of progression in my life I have never experienced before. All those items in the "Be a Good Person" column are not just wishful thinking anymore-- I am actually exerting the necessary efforts to BECOME or absorb those attributes. The one that I am most grateful for and that has been among the most difficult: "Overcome Weaknesses".

Part of overcoming weaknesses is admitting you have them. And that has been rough for me. Even though I have good desires and want to be without fault, it took me realizing that I need to be honest with myself and to be humble to be able to successfully hurdle one of my most difficult weaknesses-- regulating my emotions. I made good progress in becoming more aware of myself in situations. And then it took a ridiculous experience to help me see that I needed even more help. That I was struggling from a mental illness of sorts-- a 'mild' form of depression-- and that I needed medication. SO hard to accept. I had tried for so long to fix things on my own. But I had to be humble and submissive and admit that I couldn't do it alone anymore. Important relationships were suffering because of this weakness.

The difference is amazing. I still don't fully understand it all, but I don't have to understand it to fully appreciate it and be thankful for modern medicine and for the opportunity to actually enjoy life as it is meant to be enjoyed. To have more presence of mind to act accordingly in difficult situations rather than react irrationally. It's not like I'm cured from all my weaknesses because of the medication-- the weaknesses and struggles are still there. Yet my ability to deal with them in a healthy way is increased substantially. As I mentioned to the psychologist I've visited a couple of times, "I feel like I have come to the next level of wholeness."

So now as I strive to make peace with my past, I am ready to face the future with faith and hope and love-- for myself, for all around me, and fully for my Heavenly Father and Savior by being truly obedient and trusting. :)

"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

My Treatise on Worry

Well...the dictionary says a treatise is longer and more detailed than an essay, so that term might not be exactly true. Yet I will be using dictionary terms (via dictionary.com) quite a bit to help define my struggles.

wor-ry (verb):

  

1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret

6. (noun): a worried condition or feeling; uneasiness or anxiety

My journey of self-improvement has now led me to a further journey of deeper self-discovery and understanding.  Repeatedly I kept thinking of the various people throughout my life who have told me, "You worry too much" or "You think too much."

So a couple weeks ago I asked my husband, "How do I become someone who doesn't worry so much?"

His response included something like, "You can't care so much. You have to just let it go. 'Use the force, Luke.'"

While I appreciated his thoughts, I also wanted to continue my research. And I had a great desire to be someone other than someone who worries or thinks too much.

How very interesting that the definition of worry starts out "to torment oneself" and "suffer". I suppose that sums up my inner struggles of my life. I feel I have been blessed exceedingly in many ways, yet for some reason I've insisted on tormenting myself by thoughts of inadequacy and failure, and suffering in my relationships with others. It's incredibly ironic that a common phrase I use with others is "no worries." As in--you have no reason to worry because I do enough worrying for everyone else. :)

It has also become very interesting as I've been learning more about anxiety. My husband has been through struggles with anxiety, yet I never thought of that term relating to myself until now.

anx-i-e-ty (noun):

1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

anx-ious (adjective):

1. full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous

2. earnestly desirous; eager (anxious to please)

So what have I been fearful or worried about during my lifetime? As a mom, I have plenty of worries about my children and constantly think of the worst-case-scenario when they're doing things I feel are dangerous. But overall I would have to probably say....failure. Fear of failure to have friends and be liked. Failure to help others be happy. Failure to become all that I've wanted to be and felt I should be. I feel much of my neurosis can be attributed to this worry I've carried. For so long I've felt that I should just be able to use positive thinking to make it all better. Yet here I am, almost 38 years old, still worrying about things I shouldn't be worrying about.

I believe to understand something better, it is helpful to understand what it is not. What is the opposite of worry? The antonyms listed are "calmness, reassurance." One article I read mentioned that the opposite of worry is "mindfulness." I've really noticed that I have been more calm when I've been more mindful about my feelings and the realities I'm experiencing. The antonyms to anxiety are "certainty, serenity, tranquility."

What immediately came to my mind was a hymn:

"Be thou humble in thy pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee...with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares."

I am so grateful for the opportunity to further humble myself. I truly feel that my belief and certainty that there is a God and a Savior has sustained me throughout my whole life while I've been struggling. Even though I feel it is now time to seek further help and possible therapy, I will continue to hold on to this everlasting truth-- I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father, and He loves me! 

We are loved! We are valuable and worthy! The Savior of the world suffered and gave himself for us! He knows what we feel and what we struggle with-- and He can and WILL help us!

Further in the definitions of "worry" are some verb phrases.

10. "worry along/through" : to progress or succeed by constant effort, despite difficulty

I can take this "worry" and make it in to a positive thing. Isn't that what we are all doing in this life? Progressing by constant effort, even through difficulty? And particularly myself, as I'm striving to become better? I will stay the course. I will keep trying. I will succeed! 

We all can!

Late Bloomer

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Deep Introspection

As with all posts, this is mostly for myself. I have taken moments to reflect on my life thus far, and I have become more aware of how things have actually come about in my life.

I'm slow. Well, I'm slower than most-- at learning, at doing, at becoming. I have a decent mind/brain, and I have potential and capability. Yet my awareness and capacity for change has been quite delayed. I have learned many important and change-instructive lessons. I have heard and read fabulous and inspiring speeches. They have all had an influence. However, it has taken time for it all to truly sink in.

What I know in my brain is finally getting to my heart. And that is where true change and growth happens.

What is the honest evaluation of my life thus far? What has kept me from becoming who I am meant to be sooner?

Laziness.

It's true. As much as I would never want to categorize myself in that realm of wastefulness, it is an underlying theme.

Oh, I have not been sitting on my duff. Not that kind of laziness (at least.) My mom started calling me the "two second pop-tart" in college-- a reference to a Brian Regan joke about how we're so busy in life we have to have a faster way to prepare a pop-tart. I have always been involved in things. I have always wanted to accomplish things. I have always made efforts toward things. Yes, that has all led to achievement in an outside way-- with "things." What really needed the effort was "self." And then the outside achievement would have been and meant so much more.

Not that I didn't try to look from the inside out. I knew the kind of person I wanted and needed to be. I did pretty well with trying--but mostly appearing to be that person. To myself, and to others. My concern was with how others perceived me. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be like accomplished people. I wondered why I wasn't like them. And that was the issue-- I wasn't being true to myself or to what I wanted to be. 

This may sound all vague, and my thoughts are usually scattered. The main message is that it has taken me this long to realize I wasn't giving real effort and dedication to what mattered. Basically, I was doing "B" or "C" work and expecting to receive an "A." In the eternities, I suppose I will be judged on what my actual capabilities were. Sometimes I wonder if I would have done things differently. All that I can see now is that I COULD have done things better. And this isn't to get down on myself. Because of course I noticed a disconnect long before now. I've lived in frustration with myself for so long because I wasn't achieving all I thought I should be. But it's because I didn't put in the real time or effort. I wasn't invested enough. I had lazy habits. It has been hard to work on overcoming them and it will continue to require diligence. But it has all came down to one thing--  CHOICE.

Instead of studying, I would choose to watch a movie. Instead of getting up and running extra in the morning, I would stay up late with whatever I felt like. Instead of doing what was required, I would try to find a way to get the same result by doing somewhat less. And I would spend more energy justifying my action than it would have taken to just make the right choice. It's that simple. And yet not so simple.

Now that I have been truly honest with myself and identified the culprit, I am much more aware of even tiny decisions throughout the day that end up making a big difference. The difference between washing a dish or two now, versus having them pile up and washing a whole bunch later. The difference between answering that email now, or using extra brain energy to try to remember to do it later. The difference between reading a book today, or having a whole shelf of books that I haven't read but wanted to read years down the road. The difference between what matters now, and what doesn't really matter so much.

Today is the day! Now is now! It's all so cliche, but this is what people have been talking about for ages! And I'm just now finally getting it and putting it into practice. I'm not going to be perfect at it, yet I am leaps ahead of what I was previously doing. It will require planning, patience, and persistence. It is all worth it! :)

"The distance between mediocrity and excellence can be ever so small."

The Quest for Excellence

The Latest and Greatest!

Frugal Fashion Frenzy Fun with my   Friend!

 

 


Okay. How lucky am I? Not only did I get to spend time with my friend I've known since high school (which was way awesome),.... I got some amazing outfits with a modest budget!
8 Tops
3 Cardigan things
2 Skirts
3 Pants
= 7 Plus Outfits
All of these clothes for $67! I am giving the break-down of what brand each item is under the Fashion section (for those who really want to know.) Yet what really matters is that I have been given so many gifts with this one shopping experience....I can't fully express how much it means to me.

What I can say is that it is so fun to feel like I'm starting fresh with something! I've been in a clothing rut for pretty much my whole life. My aunt in Texas, whom I lived with for a year or so, told me I should try some color...and that was about 20 years ago. I like to find good deals, but what I usually purchase ends up being not so great. And I just haven't cared enough about fashion to develop much of a fashion "sense."  Hence, the outreach to my dear friend Beth with her talents and know-how at the Deseret Industries thrift store.

She really had to convince me that the skinny jeans were okay. And the bright reddish-orange colors are nothing I would have chosen on my own. Yet I feel I can be confident in wearing these items (provided I remember the advice I was given on how to put the items together.) And the confidence isn't just from wearing these clothes-- it comes from inside because I have achieved yet another goal or desire to be a little better and do things a little better than before. :)

Next excursion-- footwear. :)

New Year's Edition

The List

I could go on for a couple paragraphs how I missed my "deadline" by a mile....but I won't. :)

I have loved this past year. There has been real growth and real improvement-- even though the progress is gradual and at an overall slow pace. Yet it's real. And I love it. :) The progression really makes a difference when it starts with the inside and works outwards. The focus has been on my spiritual, mental, and emotional improvement-- and it really makes good change happen. :)

I realize the "year marker" for this blog is June 21st, but I'm fine with the new year vibe that happens in January. I'm a year and a half into my 4 year plan. Things are going well, and I want to keep that up. And right now I want to make a list of things that are still on my mind that I want to change and improve. Some things are more general and some more specific. And it's not a totally comprehensive list. I suppose it could be said this list is an answer to the question, "What lack I yet?"

Confidence (less awkwardness around others)

Regular flossing habit

Better style (this would refer to the Fashion, Face, etc. areas)

Continued improvement in mother-daughter relationship (it shouldn't have to be such a battle??)

Strict adherence to budget and financial security/freedom

Better home management (deep cleaning instead of just surface cleaning)

More meaningful communication with family/friends (even if it's not frequent, I don't want those I love to think I don't care about them)

Discipline in fitness/health habits (I'm not unhealthy...I just don't do anything extra to be more healthy)

Planning ahead (aka- preventing as much procrastination as possible)

Taking care of things right away (kind of has to do with the above)

Making time and making it matter

Choosing happiness...always

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

So I went without posting in October. Oh well. Life has been great and challenging and interesting and lovely. Fall always brings football season. 

Football, as a sport, has its high points and low points. There is always the great anticipation of how the season can and should go.....and then things happen to change that projected outcome. 

My life is turning out different than I had expected, yet it is still good. There is still accomplishment. There is still joy. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful...when I remember. :) I love my family! We're still figuring out how to be a family. One thing for sure is that we're here to help one another through this life--this test. I know we can stay strong, and keep progressing. Even when things turn out different than we had hoped. 

Today I was supposed to spend time with my husband at a football game-- without the kids. I love my kids, and those with kids know how re-charging it is to take some time every once in a while. :) However, my little ones were throwing up all night and our wonderful plans had to go by the wayside. I was very disappointed and sad. But I couldn't let myself stay that way very long because my sweet ones need me, and it's always better to stay positive and move forward.  Here's to moving forward...even if it's slow sometimes. <3

The Day I Stopped Yelling

This is "Y"

We all know I'm a work in progress. That is what I'm kind of documenting.  I'm happy to relate that there was a break-through this past month.  I no longer yell at my sweet daughter out of anger.

Why did it take so long?  Why was it happening in the first place?  Why couldn't I stop it sooner even though I had already recognized I needed to stop and desperately wanted to?

It's not really clear to me. Even when I come up with reasons, they all just seem so dumb that I wonder how I could have been so trapped and clouded by lameness.

My loving, patient husband had brought up the subject quite some time ago.  He mentioned that if I didn't find a way to have a better relationship with my daughter now that it would just be worse later on. I knew it. I didn't like it. Yet, I wasn't finding a way out. I wasn't making it happen. And maybe that was a hold-up....I was trying to MAKE it happen, instead of letting it happen.

The breaking point came the night before my daughter's 4th birthday.  Our family has recently been through some trying times involving an unfortunate situation with my daughter (which I won't go in to detail about, but which came from an outside source...and which we had thought we were doing enough to protect her from, but not so).  I felt so strongly and so deeply that I wanted the very best for her--and that I needed to change NOW. Enough was enough. I cried myself to sleep after prayers of repentance and commitment to never be that person again.

It was amazing. The next morning I was new.  I was different.  My relationship with my sweet girl was different and better.  After all this time of "trying", I can only attribute it to the real and powerful affect of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him, all things are possible.  I believed that, and it had proved true in other areas of my life...and now it has been proved yet again with this happy change.

Of course I am still not 100% perfect in every way as a parent.  I still get frustrated and impatient--but I do not raise my voice as I used to, or have as negative of tone of voice with my child.  Whether or not anyone who knows me finds this all a surprise or not-- (that I had this problem...because as with many, we don't like others to see our weaknesses)-- I willingly want to share this story of struggle. We all have weaknesses and attributes that we want to overcome or change. And we can do so-- one step at a time, one resolution at a time, one prayer at a time.

"'Twas I; but 'tis not I."

Summer Closing

The Next Thing

So I was cognizant of my deadline on the 21st....but I ran out of energy and motivation to actually make an entry. I guess that happened the next day too. Mostly I might be lazy, but I also figured it wasn't the biggest priority for me at the time. This blog is more of a personal accountability to myself to check in on my progress in my goals. And sometimes someone might read about it.

Summer is ending, and that brings Fall. It's been a fun, enjoyable Summer and I appreciate all it brings. Fall brings football games and General Conference...things I also enjoy and look forward to.

"Two steps forward, one step back." Something said often. It mentions making progress, while at the same time having set-backs. Yet the overall outcome is moving forward. Slowly, but surely. 

That is my journey, and the journey of most. We live, we learn, we make mistakes, we make improvements. My improvements have been greater than the sum of my mistakes. And that is what keeps me going. An upward climb to a higher goal-- to be my best possible self in my current circumstances. And to arrive at my next best self by the time I'm 40.

Summer Strength

HOORAY FOR SUMMER!

I love summer. And hey! It's the 21st of July and I'm writing on my blog!! :)

It has been a really great one so far. Enjoying each day, and each day bringing new insights and experiences and lessons and improvements.  I really could not ask for more right now. I am feeling great about my progress, yet staying humbled enough to realize this is for my whole life...to continuously strive for better and celebrate the accomplishments along the way.

I am able to give more details for various sections this time, so feel free to peruse the other tabs. I love life and I love you! <3

Happy Birthday to me! :)

3 More Years...

Now this blog might seem a little obsolete because the title is "Four Years to Forty"...but that's when this endeavor began, and the title and blog will remain until that 40th birthday arrives. :)

It really was a fantastic day/weekend for my birthday, and I've really enjoyed this past year. I am overall pleased with the improvements that have occurred in my life. I know I won't fully accomplish everything my heart desires by the end of this four years, yet I will be well on my way. And I'm pretty sure the feeling "Fabulous" part will absolutely be accomplished in 2018. :)

Obviously this blog is not an overwhelming priority, yet I still want to document the improvements made. I should be able to update the various applicable pages soon, but for now all can know that I feel good about my life and the progress being made. I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life, and for my faith in a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ! They make all the difference! <3

Monsoon Season

May 21st

[I attempted making a post from my smart phone yesterday, but apparently it didn't work...so here it is again.] :)

It's been nice to have a lot of rain lately. It may not be the ideal time for a bunch of moisture for many people, yet the drawbacks are much less than the benefits.

Such is the case with my progress. Although I would phrase it: the setbacks are less than the improvements. :) And like what happens with the earth and lots of rain...there has been much growth. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Financially maybe not so much, but that's not the most important right now.

I realize all of this is quite vague (as a result of my slothfulness in posting on my goal date of the 21st of each month)...however, I just want to mention that I love life, my family, my Savior and Father in Heaven, and each opportunity to become better. There are good chances when I'm surrounded by great people. :) <3