This is "Y"
We all know I'm a work in progress. That is what I'm kind of documenting. I'm happy to relate that there was a break-through this past month. I no longer yell at my sweet daughter out of anger.
Why did it take so long? Why was it happening in the first place? Why couldn't I stop it sooner even though I had already recognized I needed to stop and desperately wanted to?
It's not really clear to me. Even when I come up with reasons, they all just seem so dumb that I wonder how I could have been so trapped and clouded by lameness.
My loving, patient husband had brought up the subject quite some time ago. He mentioned that if I didn't find a way to have a better relationship with my daughter now that it would just be worse later on. I knew it. I didn't like it. Yet, I wasn't finding a way out. I wasn't making it happen. And maybe that was a hold-up....I was trying to MAKE it happen, instead of letting it happen.
The breaking point came the night before my daughter's 4th birthday. Our family has recently been through some trying times involving an unfortunate situation with my daughter (which I won't go in to detail about, but which came from an outside source...and which we had thought we were doing enough to protect her from, but not so). I felt so strongly and so deeply that I wanted the very best for her--and that I needed to change NOW. Enough was enough. I cried myself to sleep after prayers of repentance and commitment to never be that person again.
It was amazing. The next morning I was new. I was different. My relationship with my sweet girl was different and better. After all this time of "trying", I can only attribute it to the real and powerful affect of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him, all things are possible. I believed that, and it had proved true in other areas of my life...and now it has been proved yet again with this happy change.
Of course I am still not 100% perfect in every way as a parent. I still get frustrated and impatient--but I do not raise my voice as I used to, or have as negative of tone of voice with my child. Whether or not anyone who knows me finds this all a surprise or not-- (that I had this problem...because as with many, we don't like others to see our weaknesses)-- I willingly want to share this story of struggle. We all have weaknesses and attributes that we want to overcome or change. And we can do so-- one step at a time, one resolution at a time, one prayer at a time.
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