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Deep Introspection
As with all posts, this is mostly for myself. I have taken moments to reflect on my life thus far, and I have become more aware of how things have actually come about in my life.
I'm slow. Well, I'm slower than most-- at learning, at doing, at becoming. I have a decent mind/brain, and I have potential and capability. Yet my awareness and capacity for change has been quite delayed. I have learned many important and change-instructive lessons. I have heard and read fabulous and inspiring speeches. They have all had an influence. However, it has taken time for it all to truly sink in.
What I know in my brain is finally getting to my heart. And that is where true change and growth happens.
What is the honest evaluation of my life thus far? What has kept me from becoming who I am meant to be sooner?
Laziness.
It's true. As much as I would never want to categorize myself in that realm of wastefulness, it is an underlying theme.
Oh, I have not been sitting on my duff. Not that kind of laziness (at least.) My mom started calling me the "two second pop-tart" in college-- a reference to a Brian Regan joke about how we're so busy in life we have to have a faster way to prepare a pop-tart. I have always been involved in things. I have always wanted to accomplish things. I have always made efforts toward things. Yes, that has all led to achievement in an outside way-- with "things." What really needed the effort was "self." And then the outside achievement would have been and meant so much more.
Not that I didn't try to look from the inside out. I knew the kind of person I wanted and needed to be. I did pretty well with trying--but mostly appearing to be that person. To myself, and to others. My concern was with how others perceived me. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be like accomplished people. I wondered why I wasn't like them. And that was the issue-- I wasn't being true to myself or to what I wanted to be.
This may sound all vague, and my thoughts are usually scattered. The main message is that it has taken me this long to realize I wasn't giving real effort and dedication to what mattered. Basically, I was doing "B" or "C" work and expecting to receive an "A." In the eternities, I suppose I will be judged on what my actual capabilities were. Sometimes I wonder if I would have done things differently. All that I can see now is that I COULD have done things better. And this isn't to get down on myself. Because of course I noticed a disconnect long before now. I've lived in frustration with myself for so long because I wasn't achieving all I thought I should be. But it's because I didn't put in the real time or effort. I wasn't invested enough. I had lazy habits. It has been hard to work on overcoming them and it will continue to require diligence. But it has all came down to one thing-- CHOICE.
Instead of studying, I would choose to watch a movie. Instead of getting up and running extra in the morning, I would stay up late with whatever I felt like. Instead of doing what was required, I would try to find a way to get the same result by doing somewhat less. And I would spend more energy justifying my action than it would have taken to just make the right choice. It's that simple. And yet not so simple.
Now that I have been truly honest with myself and identified the culprit, I am much more aware of even tiny decisions throughout the day that end up making a big difference. The difference between washing a dish or two now, versus having them pile up and washing a whole bunch later. The difference between answering that email now, or using extra brain energy to try to remember to do it later. The difference between reading a book today, or having a whole shelf of books that I haven't read but wanted to read years down the road. The difference between what matters now, and what doesn't really matter so much.
Today is the day! Now is now! It's all so cliche, but this is what people have been talking about for ages! And I'm just now finally getting it and putting it into practice. I'm not going to be perfect at it, yet I am leaps ahead of what I was previously doing. It will require planning, patience, and persistence. It is all worth it! :)
"The distance between mediocrity and excellence can be ever so small."
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