Two Years to Go...

"Know from whence you came. If you know whence you came, there are absolutely no limitations to where you can go."

- James Baldwin

10 years ago I felt stuck. I was trying my best in life, yet I just didn't seem to be making the progress I expected or hoped for. I decided I needed to look at where I had been in my life.

And then I looked at where I wanted to go-- who I wanted to be.

It would be another year before I really started to "come to myself" and make some necessary changes in my life. I met my handsome husband in September of 2007. We married in February 2008. We got off to a pretty good start, and things were just rolling along....yet along that road I started to lose myself again. I struggled to know what I was supposed to do or be as a stepmom and a wife. I struggled when I had a miscarriage. I was so thankful and blessed and happy to have a baby girl, yet then I struggled as a new mom. Preoccupied with all the ways I wasn't measuring up or frustrated that things weren't turning out as I imagined...or whatever else. I had so many blessings around me, yet I wasn't appreciating or recognizing them as well as I could have.

So two years ago, I realized I needed to have something to look forward to-- a destination of sorts to re-focus and re-evaluate and revitalize my life. Turning 40 is that destination. And I want to arrive being the best version of myself as possible. 

This has taken me to a level of progression in my life I have never experienced before. All those items in the "Be a Good Person" column are not just wishful thinking anymore-- I am actually exerting the necessary efforts to BECOME or absorb those attributes. The one that I am most grateful for and that has been among the most difficult: "Overcome Weaknesses".

Part of overcoming weaknesses is admitting you have them. And that has been rough for me. Even though I have good desires and want to be without fault, it took me realizing that I need to be honest with myself and to be humble to be able to successfully hurdle one of my most difficult weaknesses-- regulating my emotions. I made good progress in becoming more aware of myself in situations. And then it took a ridiculous experience to help me see that I needed even more help. That I was struggling from a mental illness of sorts-- a 'mild' form of depression-- and that I needed medication. SO hard to accept. I had tried for so long to fix things on my own. But I had to be humble and submissive and admit that I couldn't do it alone anymore. Important relationships were suffering because of this weakness.

The difference is amazing. I still don't fully understand it all, but I don't have to understand it to fully appreciate it and be thankful for modern medicine and for the opportunity to actually enjoy life as it is meant to be enjoyed. To have more presence of mind to act accordingly in difficult situations rather than react irrationally. It's not like I'm cured from all my weaknesses because of the medication-- the weaknesses and struggles are still there. Yet my ability to deal with them in a healthy way is increased substantially. As I mentioned to the psychologist I've visited a couple of times, "I feel like I have come to the next level of wholeness."

So now as I strive to make peace with my past, I am ready to face the future with faith and hope and love-- for myself, for all around me, and fully for my Heavenly Father and Savior by being truly obedient and trusting. :)

"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

My Treatise on Worry

Well...the dictionary says a treatise is longer and more detailed than an essay, so that term might not be exactly true. Yet I will be using dictionary terms (via dictionary.com) quite a bit to help define my struggles.

wor-ry (verb):

  

1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret

6. (noun): a worried condition or feeling; uneasiness or anxiety

My journey of self-improvement has now led me to a further journey of deeper self-discovery and understanding.  Repeatedly I kept thinking of the various people throughout my life who have told me, "You worry too much" or "You think too much."

So a couple weeks ago I asked my husband, "How do I become someone who doesn't worry so much?"

His response included something like, "You can't care so much. You have to just let it go. 'Use the force, Luke.'"

While I appreciated his thoughts, I also wanted to continue my research. And I had a great desire to be someone other than someone who worries or thinks too much.

How very interesting that the definition of worry starts out "to torment oneself" and "suffer". I suppose that sums up my inner struggles of my life. I feel I have been blessed exceedingly in many ways, yet for some reason I've insisted on tormenting myself by thoughts of inadequacy and failure, and suffering in my relationships with others. It's incredibly ironic that a common phrase I use with others is "no worries." As in--you have no reason to worry because I do enough worrying for everyone else. :)

It has also become very interesting as I've been learning more about anxiety. My husband has been through struggles with anxiety, yet I never thought of that term relating to myself until now.

anx-i-e-ty (noun):

1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

anx-ious (adjective):

1. full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous

2. earnestly desirous; eager (anxious to please)

So what have I been fearful or worried about during my lifetime? As a mom, I have plenty of worries about my children and constantly think of the worst-case-scenario when they're doing things I feel are dangerous. But overall I would have to probably say....failure. Fear of failure to have friends and be liked. Failure to help others be happy. Failure to become all that I've wanted to be and felt I should be. I feel much of my neurosis can be attributed to this worry I've carried. For so long I've felt that I should just be able to use positive thinking to make it all better. Yet here I am, almost 38 years old, still worrying about things I shouldn't be worrying about.

I believe to understand something better, it is helpful to understand what it is not. What is the opposite of worry? The antonyms listed are "calmness, reassurance." One article I read mentioned that the opposite of worry is "mindfulness." I've really noticed that I have been more calm when I've been more mindful about my feelings and the realities I'm experiencing. The antonyms to anxiety are "certainty, serenity, tranquility."

What immediately came to my mind was a hymn:

"Be thou humble in thy pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee...with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares."

I am so grateful for the opportunity to further humble myself. I truly feel that my belief and certainty that there is a God and a Savior has sustained me throughout my whole life while I've been struggling. Even though I feel it is now time to seek further help and possible therapy, I will continue to hold on to this everlasting truth-- I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father, and He loves me! 

We are loved! We are valuable and worthy! The Savior of the world suffered and gave himself for us! He knows what we feel and what we struggle with-- and He can and WILL help us!

Further in the definitions of "worry" are some verb phrases.

10. "worry along/through" : to progress or succeed by constant effort, despite difficulty

I can take this "worry" and make it in to a positive thing. Isn't that what we are all doing in this life? Progressing by constant effort, even through difficulty? And particularly myself, as I'm striving to become better? I will stay the course. I will keep trying. I will succeed! 

We all can!

Late Bloomer

http://images4.fanpop.com/image/polls/562000/562944_1287521580836_full.jpg

Deep Introspection

As with all posts, this is mostly for myself. I have taken moments to reflect on my life thus far, and I have become more aware of how things have actually come about in my life.

I'm slow. Well, I'm slower than most-- at learning, at doing, at becoming. I have a decent mind/brain, and I have potential and capability. Yet my awareness and capacity for change has been quite delayed. I have learned many important and change-instructive lessons. I have heard and read fabulous and inspiring speeches. They have all had an influence. However, it has taken time for it all to truly sink in.

What I know in my brain is finally getting to my heart. And that is where true change and growth happens.

What is the honest evaluation of my life thus far? What has kept me from becoming who I am meant to be sooner?

Laziness.

It's true. As much as I would never want to categorize myself in that realm of wastefulness, it is an underlying theme.

Oh, I have not been sitting on my duff. Not that kind of laziness (at least.) My mom started calling me the "two second pop-tart" in college-- a reference to a Brian Regan joke about how we're so busy in life we have to have a faster way to prepare a pop-tart. I have always been involved in things. I have always wanted to accomplish things. I have always made efforts toward things. Yes, that has all led to achievement in an outside way-- with "things." What really needed the effort was "self." And then the outside achievement would have been and meant so much more.

Not that I didn't try to look from the inside out. I knew the kind of person I wanted and needed to be. I did pretty well with trying--but mostly appearing to be that person. To myself, and to others. My concern was with how others perceived me. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be like accomplished people. I wondered why I wasn't like them. And that was the issue-- I wasn't being true to myself or to what I wanted to be. 

This may sound all vague, and my thoughts are usually scattered. The main message is that it has taken me this long to realize I wasn't giving real effort and dedication to what mattered. Basically, I was doing "B" or "C" work and expecting to receive an "A." In the eternities, I suppose I will be judged on what my actual capabilities were. Sometimes I wonder if I would have done things differently. All that I can see now is that I COULD have done things better. And this isn't to get down on myself. Because of course I noticed a disconnect long before now. I've lived in frustration with myself for so long because I wasn't achieving all I thought I should be. But it's because I didn't put in the real time or effort. I wasn't invested enough. I had lazy habits. It has been hard to work on overcoming them and it will continue to require diligence. But it has all came down to one thing--  CHOICE.

Instead of studying, I would choose to watch a movie. Instead of getting up and running extra in the morning, I would stay up late with whatever I felt like. Instead of doing what was required, I would try to find a way to get the same result by doing somewhat less. And I would spend more energy justifying my action than it would have taken to just make the right choice. It's that simple. And yet not so simple.

Now that I have been truly honest with myself and identified the culprit, I am much more aware of even tiny decisions throughout the day that end up making a big difference. The difference between washing a dish or two now, versus having them pile up and washing a whole bunch later. The difference between answering that email now, or using extra brain energy to try to remember to do it later. The difference between reading a book today, or having a whole shelf of books that I haven't read but wanted to read years down the road. The difference between what matters now, and what doesn't really matter so much.

Today is the day! Now is now! It's all so cliche, but this is what people have been talking about for ages! And I'm just now finally getting it and putting it into practice. I'm not going to be perfect at it, yet I am leaps ahead of what I was previously doing. It will require planning, patience, and persistence. It is all worth it! :)

"The distance between mediocrity and excellence can be ever so small."

The Quest for Excellence

The Latest and Greatest!

Frugal Fashion Frenzy Fun with my   Friend!

 

 


Okay. How lucky am I? Not only did I get to spend time with my friend I've known since high school (which was way awesome),.... I got some amazing outfits with a modest budget!
8 Tops
3 Cardigan things
2 Skirts
3 Pants
= 7 Plus Outfits
All of these clothes for $67! I am giving the break-down of what brand each item is under the Fashion section (for those who really want to know.) Yet what really matters is that I have been given so many gifts with this one shopping experience....I can't fully express how much it means to me.

What I can say is that it is so fun to feel like I'm starting fresh with something! I've been in a clothing rut for pretty much my whole life. My aunt in Texas, whom I lived with for a year or so, told me I should try some color...and that was about 20 years ago. I like to find good deals, but what I usually purchase ends up being not so great. And I just haven't cared enough about fashion to develop much of a fashion "sense."  Hence, the outreach to my dear friend Beth with her talents and know-how at the Deseret Industries thrift store.

She really had to convince me that the skinny jeans were okay. And the bright reddish-orange colors are nothing I would have chosen on my own. Yet I feel I can be confident in wearing these items (provided I remember the advice I was given on how to put the items together.) And the confidence isn't just from wearing these clothes-- it comes from inside because I have achieved yet another goal or desire to be a little better and do things a little better than before. :)

Next excursion-- footwear. :)

New Year's Edition

The List

I could go on for a couple paragraphs how I missed my "deadline" by a mile....but I won't. :)

I have loved this past year. There has been real growth and real improvement-- even though the progress is gradual and at an overall slow pace. Yet it's real. And I love it. :) The progression really makes a difference when it starts with the inside and works outwards. The focus has been on my spiritual, mental, and emotional improvement-- and it really makes good change happen. :)

I realize the "year marker" for this blog is June 21st, but I'm fine with the new year vibe that happens in January. I'm a year and a half into my 4 year plan. Things are going well, and I want to keep that up. And right now I want to make a list of things that are still on my mind that I want to change and improve. Some things are more general and some more specific. And it's not a totally comprehensive list. I suppose it could be said this list is an answer to the question, "What lack I yet?"

Confidence (less awkwardness around others)

Regular flossing habit

Better style (this would refer to the Fashion, Face, etc. areas)

Continued improvement in mother-daughter relationship (it shouldn't have to be such a battle??)

Strict adherence to budget and financial security/freedom

Better home management (deep cleaning instead of just surface cleaning)

More meaningful communication with family/friends (even if it's not frequent, I don't want those I love to think I don't care about them)

Discipline in fitness/health habits (I'm not unhealthy...I just don't do anything extra to be more healthy)

Planning ahead (aka- preventing as much procrastination as possible)

Taking care of things right away (kind of has to do with the above)

Making time and making it matter

Choosing happiness...always

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

So I went without posting in October. Oh well. Life has been great and challenging and interesting and lovely. Fall always brings football season. 

Football, as a sport, has its high points and low points. There is always the great anticipation of how the season can and should go.....and then things happen to change that projected outcome. 

My life is turning out different than I had expected, yet it is still good. There is still accomplishment. There is still joy. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful...when I remember. :) I love my family! We're still figuring out how to be a family. One thing for sure is that we're here to help one another through this life--this test. I know we can stay strong, and keep progressing. Even when things turn out different than we had hoped. 

Today I was supposed to spend time with my husband at a football game-- without the kids. I love my kids, and those with kids know how re-charging it is to take some time every once in a while. :) However, my little ones were throwing up all night and our wonderful plans had to go by the wayside. I was very disappointed and sad. But I couldn't let myself stay that way very long because my sweet ones need me, and it's always better to stay positive and move forward.  Here's to moving forward...even if it's slow sometimes. <3

The Day I Stopped Yelling

This is "Y"

We all know I'm a work in progress. That is what I'm kind of documenting.  I'm happy to relate that there was a break-through this past month.  I no longer yell at my sweet daughter out of anger.

Why did it take so long?  Why was it happening in the first place?  Why couldn't I stop it sooner even though I had already recognized I needed to stop and desperately wanted to?

It's not really clear to me. Even when I come up with reasons, they all just seem so dumb that I wonder how I could have been so trapped and clouded by lameness.

My loving, patient husband had brought up the subject quite some time ago.  He mentioned that if I didn't find a way to have a better relationship with my daughter now that it would just be worse later on. I knew it. I didn't like it. Yet, I wasn't finding a way out. I wasn't making it happen. And maybe that was a hold-up....I was trying to MAKE it happen, instead of letting it happen.

The breaking point came the night before my daughter's 4th birthday.  Our family has recently been through some trying times involving an unfortunate situation with my daughter (which I won't go in to detail about, but which came from an outside source...and which we had thought we were doing enough to protect her from, but not so).  I felt so strongly and so deeply that I wanted the very best for her--and that I needed to change NOW. Enough was enough. I cried myself to sleep after prayers of repentance and commitment to never be that person again.

It was amazing. The next morning I was new.  I was different.  My relationship with my sweet girl was different and better.  After all this time of "trying", I can only attribute it to the real and powerful affect of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him, all things are possible.  I believed that, and it had proved true in other areas of my life...and now it has been proved yet again with this happy change.

Of course I am still not 100% perfect in every way as a parent.  I still get frustrated and impatient--but I do not raise my voice as I used to, or have as negative of tone of voice with my child.  Whether or not anyone who knows me finds this all a surprise or not-- (that I had this problem...because as with many, we don't like others to see our weaknesses)-- I willingly want to share this story of struggle. We all have weaknesses and attributes that we want to overcome or change. And we can do so-- one step at a time, one resolution at a time, one prayer at a time.

"'Twas I; but 'tis not I."