My Life as a Cross Stitch

Girl with Cosmos

Why I Could Die Happy Today

In the Summer of 1998*, I had the opportunity to go live with my mother’s oldest sister’s family in Texas and work at my uncle’s company in the office. This was a very welcome gift, as I was somewhat lost as a young adult—having started college, yet struggled and resorted to working instead. I had never lived away from home, yet this felt do-able because I would still be with family.

I was so grateful to Aunt Ginny for having me live in her home for a year and a half or so, I wanted to do something special for her. It’s been so long, I don’t really know how it came about—if I had started the cross stitch piece and my aunt commented on it, or if I purchased it specifically for her. Whatever the case, the cross stitch was to be the gift I chose to say THANK YOU.

And so it was that I had great hopes once I left Texas in the Fall of 1999* to quickly complete her gift and deliver it.

Hopes only go so far.

I have contemplated recently that it might be part of my personality or some kind of other disorder, yet the main concept is that I start things and have trouble finishing them. I’m pretty sure it was a miracle I finished a college degree. With that weakness, it has been a burdensome existence to have many things around me unfinished. Until now.

Honestly, I don’t know what has made the biggest difference—the medication, or my ability at last to prioritize more effectively and actually DO things rather than just THINK about them. Ultimately, I must give much of the credit to the miraculous effect of the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Since the time I truly humbled myself and admitted I couldn’t change and be better on my own and relied on the Lord, I have been quite a better version of myself.

Now as to why my life is like this cross stitch I finally completed.

First, the words of a children’s song:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in Heaven it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God’s light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God’s plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

So if you’ve never done any kind of counted cross stitch thing, it comes with a pattern and a ‘plan’ (if you will) as to how to go about sewing it. I did my best to follow the plan, yet there were places where I miscounted the stitches and things got off a little. I don’t believe I messed up enough to have to pick out the stitches and start over, yet the overall picture is certainly not perfect. In fact, there are LOTs of mistakes. I didn’t even bother taking a pic of the sample picture because I didn’t want to show what was left out or different. J However—and you can make your own judgment—I think it turned out rather nice. You can tell there was effort and care, even if it did take a long time to complete because it was neglected for various lengths of time. You can tell what the picture is supposed to be, and it looks pretty good. The mistakes aren’t really noticeable unless you’re a cross stitch expert or have the  plans and examine how it matches up or doesn’t.

Thus is my life. I have desires to complete it in a pleasing way, yet I know I’ve made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes—and possibly some things will be left out. Yet I know that because of the Savior, my life will still be beautiful and meaningful and I can offer it as a pleasing gift to my Heavenly Father when my time is done. My cross stitch could never adequately express all the thanks I feel to my aunt and all she has done for me—just as any good I could ever do would never adequately match the priceless gifts God has given to me. Yet what I can offer is sufficient, and will be accepted.

I know I have much more to learn and do here on earth, yet I could die happy today because I finally completed something important that I started.

*It's been so long, I didn't even have the years right at first. :)-

Seeing and Healing

Comparison: left=dirty, right=clean

All clean :)

My Apologies to those who have been in my house the past few years...

I have been admiring my fridge-- both outside and inside-- for the past few weeks. Why? Because I FINALLY deep cleaned it.

Had I noticed that it needed to be cleaned before? Probably. I'm pretty sure I cleaned the inside of the fridge a few times in the last few years. The outside though....yikes! I guess I didn't realize what the accumulation of opening and closing the fridge door with human hands had done to the handles. I'm pretty sure I tried wiping the handles down a few times in the last few years. Obviously that didn't cut it.

I finally decided to do a GREAT job instead of an OK job of cleaning. And I had to start small. It basically took the following tools: 

I had used each of these tools before, but the difference afterward hadn't been anything like what happened to my fridge handles. It was amazing the change that had come about! I had no idea I had been living and being content with such mediocrity.

I blame it on blindness. On apathy. On whatever has been plaguing my life with ho-hum living. It feels so nice to break free of that and start making changes--even though they are small. And I realize that's the method I need to work with. So often I want to tackle a cleaning task (i.e. the whole kitchen) in one day. That usually doesn't happen and is not realistic with my time or energy or life with kids. So lately I have just been choosing something to work on each day. Like President Thomas S. Monson said: "Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a cinch."

I want my home to be clean and inviting and a place where my family can be healthy and happy. I will continue to seek out good resources for ideas and encouragement and help. This one might be retro, but it's pretty fun. :)

The #LighttheWorld initiative is a wonderful way to live this month! I am so grateful for Jesus Christ who helps me to see in so many ways and heals me. I use present tense verbs because it is happening even now and will continue to happen for the rest of my life as I turn to Him. <3

Maturity

Growing Up

I may have mentioned I've been reading my journals from my past. (This pic is of my current journal.) It's been very interesting and educational. It's nice to see the progress made, and I've rolled my eyes when I continued to make the same dumb mistakes...and realized that I am still doing some of the lame things I used to.  I've mostly been skimming through (because there is a lot of life I've written down...and eventually a project will be to type it all up in digital form.) 

What I've gleaned from my past is that I have taken a VERY long time growing up. I think immaturity is a characteristic of issues such as bipolar or personality disorders. It's such a weird experience waking up to a new awareness of my thinking processes and reasons behind my actions.

Maturity can be defined in a lot of different ways, yet a Google search produces some helpful ventures. Such as THIS. And this.  For my own definition, it is coming to live life on my own terms and not just following along with some idea of what I "should" be doing. I absolutely need the guidance that I've received as a general outline of my life...yet it is up to me to decide who I will become. 

And the way to become my very best self is to give my will to God. He knows so much better what will help me and what I'm capable of-- and how to reach that potential. I have been so stubborn and prideful for much too long, trying to make it on my own. I've given my Heavenly Father a nod along the way-- as in "Yes, I know you're there....and I believe in You and know You are important to me. I just want to be strong and independent and show You that I don't need help like other people do."

HA!!!!!

He is kind and wise and patient and oh so merciful. He knows in my heart I've wanted to do the right things (even if not always for the best reasons), and He knows I've made silly errors in thinking and understanding what is real and true. EVEN SO-- what I continue to learn is it is never too late. Now is the best time. For whatever. For truly growing up-- while still remaining child-like in my enthusiasm for life, love for others, and faith and hope in possibilities.

Tools of Self Discovery

This has been rough

I was notably (to myself) missing from this blog in August-- yet there's a reason for that. I didn't want to post anything until I had accomplished most of my home cleaning goals. (Or I told myself I didn't 'get' to post anything until I had completed certain tasks...as motivation or something.)

Anyway, it's been an interesting Summer. Trying out this generic Prozac medication and having my brain and psyche come out of some sort of fog. It's kind of weird. Feeling "normal" or as close as one can be to that-- in their own kind of way.

One of the notable tasks that required the pictured tools above was our tub. I knew it was a task that I had been putting off. And it's not like I hadn't wiped it down a few times and such. But I had no idea what it was really going to take. I hadn't realized I had neglected this part of our home so much that I would need to use such effort to remove the layers of hard water/soap/whatever build-up that was there. I actually scraped the stuff off because nothing else would work. (And I didn't want to use really harsh chemicals even if they would have worked.)

Kind of symbolic. Of how I'm scraping away all the residue that has built up emotionally and otherwise throughout my life. And I'm uncovering who I really am and have the potential to become. 

It's looking nice and shiny and clean and fresh-- just like our tub. :)

Awakening

What Do I Really Want?

It has been quite the month since I last posted. Do you ever feel like you're just now waking up from the life you've been living and ready to take on the new day? Well, that's what I've felt like.

I know my life has been good up to this point. I know all the experiences I have had have helped me learn and grow. It's just so strange to get to this part of my life and feel like I'm only NOW starting to live. I think re-birth happens multiple times in different ways. Yes, I was "born again" when I was baptized in water as an 8 year old. Yet the true meaning and depth of that rebirth has only now made sense and become true and real and permanent in my life. And it has come about because of simple, small, daily steps on a path I have chosen.

So now what? There does not seem to be limits to what can be accomplished. I just have to decide what I really want now. What is most important? What and who do I REALLY want to be?

Let me mention one of my little accomplishments. I am now a habitual flosser. You might think that's trivial, but it's not to me. I have always wanted to do better at flossing, and after each dentist visit (scraping the plaque :( ) I was good for a few days but then gave up. Not anymore. I floss every night after I brush my teeth. Even when I don't feel like it.

Another little accomplishment is staying on track for a reading challenge of The Book of Mormon. I have had multiple opportunities to do this throughout my life, but as my former self did-- I started out strong only to taper off and give up. I am doing the daily, consistent effort now. I love it. I'm so happy!

I have not yet been able to clearly identify and put into words what I really want. That is my next goal. Plan on seeing that post next. :)

Two Years to Go...

"Know from whence you came. If you know whence you came, there are absolutely no limitations to where you can go."

- James Baldwin

10 years ago I felt stuck. I was trying my best in life, yet I just didn't seem to be making the progress I expected or hoped for. I decided I needed to look at where I had been in my life.

And then I looked at where I wanted to go-- who I wanted to be.

It would be another year before I really started to "come to myself" and make some necessary changes in my life. I met my handsome husband in September of 2007. We married in February 2008. We got off to a pretty good start, and things were just rolling along....yet along that road I started to lose myself again. I struggled to know what I was supposed to do or be as a stepmom and a wife. I struggled when I had a miscarriage. I was so thankful and blessed and happy to have a baby girl, yet then I struggled as a new mom. Preoccupied with all the ways I wasn't measuring up or frustrated that things weren't turning out as I imagined...or whatever else. I had so many blessings around me, yet I wasn't appreciating or recognizing them as well as I could have.

So two years ago, I realized I needed to have something to look forward to-- a destination of sorts to re-focus and re-evaluate and revitalize my life. Turning 40 is that destination. And I want to arrive being the best version of myself as possible. 

This has taken me to a level of progression in my life I have never experienced before. All those items in the "Be a Good Person" column are not just wishful thinking anymore-- I am actually exerting the necessary efforts to BECOME or absorb those attributes. The one that I am most grateful for and that has been among the most difficult: "Overcome Weaknesses".

Part of overcoming weaknesses is admitting you have them. And that has been rough for me. Even though I have good desires and want to be without fault, it took me realizing that I need to be honest with myself and to be humble to be able to successfully hurdle one of my most difficult weaknesses-- regulating my emotions. I made good progress in becoming more aware of myself in situations. And then it took a ridiculous experience to help me see that I needed even more help. That I was struggling from a mental illness of sorts-- a 'mild' form of depression-- and that I needed medication. SO hard to accept. I had tried for so long to fix things on my own. But I had to be humble and submissive and admit that I couldn't do it alone anymore. Important relationships were suffering because of this weakness.

The difference is amazing. I still don't fully understand it all, but I don't have to understand it to fully appreciate it and be thankful for modern medicine and for the opportunity to actually enjoy life as it is meant to be enjoyed. To have more presence of mind to act accordingly in difficult situations rather than react irrationally. It's not like I'm cured from all my weaknesses because of the medication-- the weaknesses and struggles are still there. Yet my ability to deal with them in a healthy way is increased substantially. As I mentioned to the psychologist I've visited a couple of times, "I feel like I have come to the next level of wholeness."

So now as I strive to make peace with my past, I am ready to face the future with faith and hope and love-- for myself, for all around me, and fully for my Heavenly Father and Savior by being truly obedient and trusting. :)

"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

My Treatise on Worry

Well...the dictionary says a treatise is longer and more detailed than an essay, so that term might not be exactly true. Yet I will be using dictionary terms (via dictionary.com) quite a bit to help define my struggles.

wor-ry (verb):

  

1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret

6. (noun): a worried condition or feeling; uneasiness or anxiety

My journey of self-improvement has now led me to a further journey of deeper self-discovery and understanding.  Repeatedly I kept thinking of the various people throughout my life who have told me, "You worry too much" or "You think too much."

So a couple weeks ago I asked my husband, "How do I become someone who doesn't worry so much?"

His response included something like, "You can't care so much. You have to just let it go. 'Use the force, Luke.'"

While I appreciated his thoughts, I also wanted to continue my research. And I had a great desire to be someone other than someone who worries or thinks too much.

How very interesting that the definition of worry starts out "to torment oneself" and "suffer". I suppose that sums up my inner struggles of my life. I feel I have been blessed exceedingly in many ways, yet for some reason I've insisted on tormenting myself by thoughts of inadequacy and failure, and suffering in my relationships with others. It's incredibly ironic that a common phrase I use with others is "no worries." As in--you have no reason to worry because I do enough worrying for everyone else. :)

It has also become very interesting as I've been learning more about anxiety. My husband has been through struggles with anxiety, yet I never thought of that term relating to myself until now.

anx-i-e-ty (noun):

1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

anx-ious (adjective):

1. full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous

2. earnestly desirous; eager (anxious to please)

So what have I been fearful or worried about during my lifetime? As a mom, I have plenty of worries about my children and constantly think of the worst-case-scenario when they're doing things I feel are dangerous. But overall I would have to probably say....failure. Fear of failure to have friends and be liked. Failure to help others be happy. Failure to become all that I've wanted to be and felt I should be. I feel much of my neurosis can be attributed to this worry I've carried. For so long I've felt that I should just be able to use positive thinking to make it all better. Yet here I am, almost 38 years old, still worrying about things I shouldn't be worrying about.

I believe to understand something better, it is helpful to understand what it is not. What is the opposite of worry? The antonyms listed are "calmness, reassurance." One article I read mentioned that the opposite of worry is "mindfulness." I've really noticed that I have been more calm when I've been more mindful about my feelings and the realities I'm experiencing. The antonyms to anxiety are "certainty, serenity, tranquility."

What immediately came to my mind was a hymn:

"Be thou humble in thy pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee...with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares."

I am so grateful for the opportunity to further humble myself. I truly feel that my belief and certainty that there is a God and a Savior has sustained me throughout my whole life while I've been struggling. Even though I feel it is now time to seek further help and possible therapy, I will continue to hold on to this everlasting truth-- I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father, and He loves me! 

We are loved! We are valuable and worthy! The Savior of the world suffered and gave himself for us! He knows what we feel and what we struggle with-- and He can and WILL help us!

Further in the definitions of "worry" are some verb phrases.

10. "worry along/through" : to progress or succeed by constant effort, despite difficulty

I can take this "worry" and make it in to a positive thing. Isn't that what we are all doing in this life? Progressing by constant effort, even through difficulty? And particularly myself, as I'm striving to become better? I will stay the course. I will keep trying. I will succeed! 

We all can!