The Low Down and the Up & Up

 Change is good...right?

There is much need for an update. We are selling our house in Provo.

We have loved it here. We love being close to the river trail and the lake. We like our house and love our yard. We are so grateful for all that brought us to this place. We considered making our house more into what we wanted. And then there was the feeling that we needed to eventually be somewhere else.

In the meantime, we put in a dump-truck full of soft beach sand in the hole where our pond used to be.

I also finally got my hair colored. The sun makes it look a lot more drastic, but it turned out nice. :)

As we determined we were going to move, I also got really motivated to finish more projects. This is a quilt I started for my parents' 25th Anniversary-- they will be celebrating their 40th anniversary this year. ;)-  Thanks to a lovely quilting genius in my neighborhood, it turned out really well. :) (My sisters and I pieced it and finished the edge.)

Daniel rented some fun equipment to finish off the rest of the hole from the former pond.

We've been enjoying our yard now that the weather has (mostly) turned nice. This boy even learned how to ride his sisters' four-wheeler. :)

There are many things I will miss about being here. The mountains and places I have grown up with.

Most of all, I'll miss being around the wonderful people I have come to know and learn from. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to letting them know sufficiently how much I appreciate them, yet I hope they at least feel it.

I know these low feelings will eventually give way to the exciting feelings of being in a new place-- building a new home-- having adventures with my fun little family.  The kids have had fun playing on the building materials on a lot close to ours in Fairview.

 






We get to live in a trailer while our house is built, and that will be good times. I think we'll enjoy our .69 acre slice of heaven (90 feet wide, 300 & something feet long). ;)

My Life as a Cross Stitch

Girl with Cosmos

Why I Could Die Happy Today

In the Summer of 1998*, I had the opportunity to go live with my mother’s oldest sister’s family in Texas and work at my uncle’s company in the office. This was a very welcome gift, as I was somewhat lost as a young adult—having started college, yet struggled and resorted to working instead. I had never lived away from home, yet this felt do-able because I would still be with family.

I was so grateful to Aunt Ginny for having me live in her home for a year and a half or so, I wanted to do something special for her. It’s been so long, I don’t really know how it came about—if I had started the cross stitch piece and my aunt commented on it, or if I purchased it specifically for her. Whatever the case, the cross stitch was to be the gift I chose to say THANK YOU.

And so it was that I had great hopes once I left Texas in the Fall of 1999* to quickly complete her gift and deliver it.

Hopes only go so far.

I have contemplated recently that it might be part of my personality or some kind of other disorder, yet the main concept is that I start things and have trouble finishing them. I’m pretty sure it was a miracle I finished a college degree. With that weakness, it has been a burdensome existence to have many things around me unfinished. Until now.

Honestly, I don’t know what has made the biggest difference—the medication, or my ability at last to prioritize more effectively and actually DO things rather than just THINK about them. Ultimately, I must give much of the credit to the miraculous effect of the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Since the time I truly humbled myself and admitted I couldn’t change and be better on my own and relied on the Lord, I have been quite a better version of myself.

Now as to why my life is like this cross stitch I finally completed.

First, the words of a children’s song:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in Heaven it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God’s light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God’s plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

So if you’ve never done any kind of counted cross stitch thing, it comes with a pattern and a ‘plan’ (if you will) as to how to go about sewing it. I did my best to follow the plan, yet there were places where I miscounted the stitches and things got off a little. I don’t believe I messed up enough to have to pick out the stitches and start over, yet the overall picture is certainly not perfect. In fact, there are LOTs of mistakes. I didn’t even bother taking a pic of the sample picture because I didn’t want to show what was left out or different. J However—and you can make your own judgment—I think it turned out rather nice. You can tell there was effort and care, even if it did take a long time to complete because it was neglected for various lengths of time. You can tell what the picture is supposed to be, and it looks pretty good. The mistakes aren’t really noticeable unless you’re a cross stitch expert or have the  plans and examine how it matches up or doesn’t.

Thus is my life. I have desires to complete it in a pleasing way, yet I know I’ve made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes—and possibly some things will be left out. Yet I know that because of the Savior, my life will still be beautiful and meaningful and I can offer it as a pleasing gift to my Heavenly Father when my time is done. My cross stitch could never adequately express all the thanks I feel to my aunt and all she has done for me—just as any good I could ever do would never adequately match the priceless gifts God has given to me. Yet what I can offer is sufficient, and will be accepted.

I know I have much more to learn and do here on earth, yet I could die happy today because I finally completed something important that I started.

*It's been so long, I didn't even have the years right at first. :)-

Seeing and Healing

Comparison: left=dirty, right=clean

All clean :)

My Apologies to those who have been in my house the past few years...

I have been admiring my fridge-- both outside and inside-- for the past few weeks. Why? Because I FINALLY deep cleaned it.

Had I noticed that it needed to be cleaned before? Probably. I'm pretty sure I cleaned the inside of the fridge a few times in the last few years. The outside though....yikes! I guess I didn't realize what the accumulation of opening and closing the fridge door with human hands had done to the handles. I'm pretty sure I tried wiping the handles down a few times in the last few years. Obviously that didn't cut it.

I finally decided to do a GREAT job instead of an OK job of cleaning. And I had to start small. It basically took the following tools: 

I had used each of these tools before, but the difference afterward hadn't been anything like what happened to my fridge handles. It was amazing the change that had come about! I had no idea I had been living and being content with such mediocrity.

I blame it on blindness. On apathy. On whatever has been plaguing my life with ho-hum living. It feels so nice to break free of that and start making changes--even though they are small. And I realize that's the method I need to work with. So often I want to tackle a cleaning task (i.e. the whole kitchen) in one day. That usually doesn't happen and is not realistic with my time or energy or life with kids. So lately I have just been choosing something to work on each day. Like President Thomas S. Monson said: "Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a cinch."

I want my home to be clean and inviting and a place where my family can be healthy and happy. I will continue to seek out good resources for ideas and encouragement and help. This one might be retro, but it's pretty fun. :)

The #LighttheWorld initiative is a wonderful way to live this month! I am so grateful for Jesus Christ who helps me to see in so many ways and heals me. I use present tense verbs because it is happening even now and will continue to happen for the rest of my life as I turn to Him. <3

Maturity

Growing Up

I may have mentioned I've been reading my journals from my past. (This pic is of my current journal.) It's been very interesting and educational. It's nice to see the progress made, and I've rolled my eyes when I continued to make the same dumb mistakes...and realized that I am still doing some of the lame things I used to.  I've mostly been skimming through (because there is a lot of life I've written down...and eventually a project will be to type it all up in digital form.) 

What I've gleaned from my past is that I have taken a VERY long time growing up. I think immaturity is a characteristic of issues such as bipolar or personality disorders. It's such a weird experience waking up to a new awareness of my thinking processes and reasons behind my actions.

Maturity can be defined in a lot of different ways, yet a Google search produces some helpful ventures. Such as THIS. And this.  For my own definition, it is coming to live life on my own terms and not just following along with some idea of what I "should" be doing. I absolutely need the guidance that I've received as a general outline of my life...yet it is up to me to decide who I will become. 

And the way to become my very best self is to give my will to God. He knows so much better what will help me and what I'm capable of-- and how to reach that potential. I have been so stubborn and prideful for much too long, trying to make it on my own. I've given my Heavenly Father a nod along the way-- as in "Yes, I know you're there....and I believe in You and know You are important to me. I just want to be strong and independent and show You that I don't need help like other people do."

HA!!!!!

He is kind and wise and patient and oh so merciful. He knows in my heart I've wanted to do the right things (even if not always for the best reasons), and He knows I've made silly errors in thinking and understanding what is real and true. EVEN SO-- what I continue to learn is it is never too late. Now is the best time. For whatever. For truly growing up-- while still remaining child-like in my enthusiasm for life, love for others, and faith and hope in possibilities.

Tools of Self Discovery

This has been rough

I was notably (to myself) missing from this blog in August-- yet there's a reason for that. I didn't want to post anything until I had accomplished most of my home cleaning goals. (Or I told myself I didn't 'get' to post anything until I had completed certain tasks...as motivation or something.)

Anyway, it's been an interesting Summer. Trying out this generic Prozac medication and having my brain and psyche come out of some sort of fog. It's kind of weird. Feeling "normal" or as close as one can be to that-- in their own kind of way.

One of the notable tasks that required the pictured tools above was our tub. I knew it was a task that I had been putting off. And it's not like I hadn't wiped it down a few times and such. But I had no idea what it was really going to take. I hadn't realized I had neglected this part of our home so much that I would need to use such effort to remove the layers of hard water/soap/whatever build-up that was there. I actually scraped the stuff off because nothing else would work. (And I didn't want to use really harsh chemicals even if they would have worked.)

Kind of symbolic. Of how I'm scraping away all the residue that has built up emotionally and otherwise throughout my life. And I'm uncovering who I really am and have the potential to become. 

It's looking nice and shiny and clean and fresh-- just like our tub. :)

Awakening

What Do I Really Want?

It has been quite the month since I last posted. Do you ever feel like you're just now waking up from the life you've been living and ready to take on the new day? Well, that's what I've felt like.

I know my life has been good up to this point. I know all the experiences I have had have helped me learn and grow. It's just so strange to get to this part of my life and feel like I'm only NOW starting to live. I think re-birth happens multiple times in different ways. Yes, I was "born again" when I was baptized in water as an 8 year old. Yet the true meaning and depth of that rebirth has only now made sense and become true and real and permanent in my life. And it has come about because of simple, small, daily steps on a path I have chosen.

So now what? There does not seem to be limits to what can be accomplished. I just have to decide what I really want now. What is most important? What and who do I REALLY want to be?

Let me mention one of my little accomplishments. I am now a habitual flosser. You might think that's trivial, but it's not to me. I have always wanted to do better at flossing, and after each dentist visit (scraping the plaque :( ) I was good for a few days but then gave up. Not anymore. I floss every night after I brush my teeth. Even when I don't feel like it.

Another little accomplishment is staying on track for a reading challenge of The Book of Mormon. I have had multiple opportunities to do this throughout my life, but as my former self did-- I started out strong only to taper off and give up. I am doing the daily, consistent effort now. I love it. I'm so happy!

I have not yet been able to clearly identify and put into words what I really want. That is my next goal. Plan on seeing that post next. :)

Two Years to Go...

"Know from whence you came. If you know whence you came, there are absolutely no limitations to where you can go."

- James Baldwin

10 years ago I felt stuck. I was trying my best in life, yet I just didn't seem to be making the progress I expected or hoped for. I decided I needed to look at where I had been in my life.

And then I looked at where I wanted to go-- who I wanted to be.

It would be another year before I really started to "come to myself" and make some necessary changes in my life. I met my handsome husband in September of 2007. We married in February 2008. We got off to a pretty good start, and things were just rolling along....yet along that road I started to lose myself again. I struggled to know what I was supposed to do or be as a stepmom and a wife. I struggled when I had a miscarriage. I was so thankful and blessed and happy to have a baby girl, yet then I struggled as a new mom. Preoccupied with all the ways I wasn't measuring up or frustrated that things weren't turning out as I imagined...or whatever else. I had so many blessings around me, yet I wasn't appreciating or recognizing them as well as I could have.

So two years ago, I realized I needed to have something to look forward to-- a destination of sorts to re-focus and re-evaluate and revitalize my life. Turning 40 is that destination. And I want to arrive being the best version of myself as possible. 

This has taken me to a level of progression in my life I have never experienced before. All those items in the "Be a Good Person" column are not just wishful thinking anymore-- I am actually exerting the necessary efforts to BECOME or absorb those attributes. The one that I am most grateful for and that has been among the most difficult: "Overcome Weaknesses".

Part of overcoming weaknesses is admitting you have them. And that has been rough for me. Even though I have good desires and want to be without fault, it took me realizing that I need to be honest with myself and to be humble to be able to successfully hurdle one of my most difficult weaknesses-- regulating my emotions. I made good progress in becoming more aware of myself in situations. And then it took a ridiculous experience to help me see that I needed even more help. That I was struggling from a mental illness of sorts-- a 'mild' form of depression-- and that I needed medication. SO hard to accept. I had tried for so long to fix things on my own. But I had to be humble and submissive and admit that I couldn't do it alone anymore. Important relationships were suffering because of this weakness.

The difference is amazing. I still don't fully understand it all, but I don't have to understand it to fully appreciate it and be thankful for modern medicine and for the opportunity to actually enjoy life as it is meant to be enjoyed. To have more presence of mind to act accordingly in difficult situations rather than react irrationally. It's not like I'm cured from all my weaknesses because of the medication-- the weaknesses and struggles are still there. Yet my ability to deal with them in a healthy way is increased substantially. As I mentioned to the psychologist I've visited a couple of times, "I feel like I have come to the next level of wholeness."

So now as I strive to make peace with my past, I am ready to face the future with faith and hope and love-- for myself, for all around me, and fully for my Heavenly Father and Savior by being truly obedient and trusting. :)