Late Bloomer

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Deep Introspection

As with all posts, this is mostly for myself. I have taken moments to reflect on my life thus far, and I have become more aware of how things have actually come about in my life.

I'm slow. Well, I'm slower than most-- at learning, at doing, at becoming. I have a decent mind/brain, and I have potential and capability. Yet my awareness and capacity for change has been quite delayed. I have learned many important and change-instructive lessons. I have heard and read fabulous and inspiring speeches. They have all had an influence. However, it has taken time for it all to truly sink in.

What I know in my brain is finally getting to my heart. And that is where true change and growth happens.

What is the honest evaluation of my life thus far? What has kept me from becoming who I am meant to be sooner?

Laziness.

It's true. As much as I would never want to categorize myself in that realm of wastefulness, it is an underlying theme.

Oh, I have not been sitting on my duff. Not that kind of laziness (at least.) My mom started calling me the "two second pop-tart" in college-- a reference to a Brian Regan joke about how we're so busy in life we have to have a faster way to prepare a pop-tart. I have always been involved in things. I have always wanted to accomplish things. I have always made efforts toward things. Yes, that has all led to achievement in an outside way-- with "things." What really needed the effort was "self." And then the outside achievement would have been and meant so much more.

Not that I didn't try to look from the inside out. I knew the kind of person I wanted and needed to be. I did pretty well with trying--but mostly appearing to be that person. To myself, and to others. My concern was with how others perceived me. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be like accomplished people. I wondered why I wasn't like them. And that was the issue-- I wasn't being true to myself or to what I wanted to be. 

This may sound all vague, and my thoughts are usually scattered. The main message is that it has taken me this long to realize I wasn't giving real effort and dedication to what mattered. Basically, I was doing "B" or "C" work and expecting to receive an "A." In the eternities, I suppose I will be judged on what my actual capabilities were. Sometimes I wonder if I would have done things differently. All that I can see now is that I COULD have done things better. And this isn't to get down on myself. Because of course I noticed a disconnect long before now. I've lived in frustration with myself for so long because I wasn't achieving all I thought I should be. But it's because I didn't put in the real time or effort. I wasn't invested enough. I had lazy habits. It has been hard to work on overcoming them and it will continue to require diligence. But it has all came down to one thing--  CHOICE.

Instead of studying, I would choose to watch a movie. Instead of getting up and running extra in the morning, I would stay up late with whatever I felt like. Instead of doing what was required, I would try to find a way to get the same result by doing somewhat less. And I would spend more energy justifying my action than it would have taken to just make the right choice. It's that simple. And yet not so simple.

Now that I have been truly honest with myself and identified the culprit, I am much more aware of even tiny decisions throughout the day that end up making a big difference. The difference between washing a dish or two now, versus having them pile up and washing a whole bunch later. The difference between answering that email now, or using extra brain energy to try to remember to do it later. The difference between reading a book today, or having a whole shelf of books that I haven't read but wanted to read years down the road. The difference between what matters now, and what doesn't really matter so much.

Today is the day! Now is now! It's all so cliche, but this is what people have been talking about for ages! And I'm just now finally getting it and putting it into practice. I'm not going to be perfect at it, yet I am leaps ahead of what I was previously doing. It will require planning, patience, and persistence. It is all worth it! :)

"The distance between mediocrity and excellence can be ever so small."

The Quest for Excellence

The Latest and Greatest!

Frugal Fashion Frenzy Fun with my   Friend!

 

 


Okay. How lucky am I? Not only did I get to spend time with my friend I've known since high school (which was way awesome),.... I got some amazing outfits with a modest budget!
8 Tops
3 Cardigan things
2 Skirts
3 Pants
= 7 Plus Outfits
All of these clothes for $67! I am giving the break-down of what brand each item is under the Fashion section (for those who really want to know.) Yet what really matters is that I have been given so many gifts with this one shopping experience....I can't fully express how much it means to me.

What I can say is that it is so fun to feel like I'm starting fresh with something! I've been in a clothing rut for pretty much my whole life. My aunt in Texas, whom I lived with for a year or so, told me I should try some color...and that was about 20 years ago. I like to find good deals, but what I usually purchase ends up being not so great. And I just haven't cared enough about fashion to develop much of a fashion "sense."  Hence, the outreach to my dear friend Beth with her talents and know-how at the Deseret Industries thrift store.

She really had to convince me that the skinny jeans were okay. And the bright reddish-orange colors are nothing I would have chosen on my own. Yet I feel I can be confident in wearing these items (provided I remember the advice I was given on how to put the items together.) And the confidence isn't just from wearing these clothes-- it comes from inside because I have achieved yet another goal or desire to be a little better and do things a little better than before. :)

Next excursion-- footwear. :)

New Year's Edition

The List

I could go on for a couple paragraphs how I missed my "deadline" by a mile....but I won't. :)

I have loved this past year. There has been real growth and real improvement-- even though the progress is gradual and at an overall slow pace. Yet it's real. And I love it. :) The progression really makes a difference when it starts with the inside and works outwards. The focus has been on my spiritual, mental, and emotional improvement-- and it really makes good change happen. :)

I realize the "year marker" for this blog is June 21st, but I'm fine with the new year vibe that happens in January. I'm a year and a half into my 4 year plan. Things are going well, and I want to keep that up. And right now I want to make a list of things that are still on my mind that I want to change and improve. Some things are more general and some more specific. And it's not a totally comprehensive list. I suppose it could be said this list is an answer to the question, "What lack I yet?"

Confidence (less awkwardness around others)

Regular flossing habit

Better style (this would refer to the Fashion, Face, etc. areas)

Continued improvement in mother-daughter relationship (it shouldn't have to be such a battle??)

Strict adherence to budget and financial security/freedom

Better home management (deep cleaning instead of just surface cleaning)

More meaningful communication with family/friends (even if it's not frequent, I don't want those I love to think I don't care about them)

Discipline in fitness/health habits (I'm not unhealthy...I just don't do anything extra to be more healthy)

Planning ahead (aka- preventing as much procrastination as possible)

Taking care of things right away (kind of has to do with the above)

Making time and making it matter

Choosing happiness...always

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

So I went without posting in October. Oh well. Life has been great and challenging and interesting and lovely. Fall always brings football season. 

Football, as a sport, has its high points and low points. There is always the great anticipation of how the season can and should go.....and then things happen to change that projected outcome. 

My life is turning out different than I had expected, yet it is still good. There is still accomplishment. There is still joy. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful...when I remember. :) I love my family! We're still figuring out how to be a family. One thing for sure is that we're here to help one another through this life--this test. I know we can stay strong, and keep progressing. Even when things turn out different than we had hoped. 

Today I was supposed to spend time with my husband at a football game-- without the kids. I love my kids, and those with kids know how re-charging it is to take some time every once in a while. :) However, my little ones were throwing up all night and our wonderful plans had to go by the wayside. I was very disappointed and sad. But I couldn't let myself stay that way very long because my sweet ones need me, and it's always better to stay positive and move forward.  Here's to moving forward...even if it's slow sometimes. <3

The Day I Stopped Yelling

This is "Y"

We all know I'm a work in progress. That is what I'm kind of documenting.  I'm happy to relate that there was a break-through this past month.  I no longer yell at my sweet daughter out of anger.

Why did it take so long?  Why was it happening in the first place?  Why couldn't I stop it sooner even though I had already recognized I needed to stop and desperately wanted to?

It's not really clear to me. Even when I come up with reasons, they all just seem so dumb that I wonder how I could have been so trapped and clouded by lameness.

My loving, patient husband had brought up the subject quite some time ago.  He mentioned that if I didn't find a way to have a better relationship with my daughter now that it would just be worse later on. I knew it. I didn't like it. Yet, I wasn't finding a way out. I wasn't making it happen. And maybe that was a hold-up....I was trying to MAKE it happen, instead of letting it happen.

The breaking point came the night before my daughter's 4th birthday.  Our family has recently been through some trying times involving an unfortunate situation with my daughter (which I won't go in to detail about, but which came from an outside source...and which we had thought we were doing enough to protect her from, but not so).  I felt so strongly and so deeply that I wanted the very best for her--and that I needed to change NOW. Enough was enough. I cried myself to sleep after prayers of repentance and commitment to never be that person again.

It was amazing. The next morning I was new.  I was different.  My relationship with my sweet girl was different and better.  After all this time of "trying", I can only attribute it to the real and powerful affect of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him, all things are possible.  I believed that, and it had proved true in other areas of my life...and now it has been proved yet again with this happy change.

Of course I am still not 100% perfect in every way as a parent.  I still get frustrated and impatient--but I do not raise my voice as I used to, or have as negative of tone of voice with my child.  Whether or not anyone who knows me finds this all a surprise or not-- (that I had this problem...because as with many, we don't like others to see our weaknesses)-- I willingly want to share this story of struggle. We all have weaknesses and attributes that we want to overcome or change. And we can do so-- one step at a time, one resolution at a time, one prayer at a time.

"'Twas I; but 'tis not I."

Summer Closing

The Next Thing

So I was cognizant of my deadline on the 21st....but I ran out of energy and motivation to actually make an entry. I guess that happened the next day too. Mostly I might be lazy, but I also figured it wasn't the biggest priority for me at the time. This blog is more of a personal accountability to myself to check in on my progress in my goals. And sometimes someone might read about it.

Summer is ending, and that brings Fall. It's been a fun, enjoyable Summer and I appreciate all it brings. Fall brings football games and General Conference...things I also enjoy and look forward to.

"Two steps forward, one step back." Something said often. It mentions making progress, while at the same time having set-backs. Yet the overall outcome is moving forward. Slowly, but surely. 

That is my journey, and the journey of most. We live, we learn, we make mistakes, we make improvements. My improvements have been greater than the sum of my mistakes. And that is what keeps me going. An upward climb to a higher goal-- to be my best possible self in my current circumstances. And to arrive at my next best self by the time I'm 40.

Summer Strength

HOORAY FOR SUMMER!

I love summer. And hey! It's the 21st of July and I'm writing on my blog!! :)

It has been a really great one so far. Enjoying each day, and each day bringing new insights and experiences and lessons and improvements.  I really could not ask for more right now. I am feeling great about my progress, yet staying humbled enough to realize this is for my whole life...to continuously strive for better and celebrate the accomplishments along the way.

I am able to give more details for various sections this time, so feel free to peruse the other tabs. I love life and I love you! <3