One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

So I went without posting in October. Oh well. Life has been great and challenging and interesting and lovely. Fall always brings football season. 

Football, as a sport, has its high points and low points. There is always the great anticipation of how the season can and should go.....and then things happen to change that projected outcome. 

My life is turning out different than I had expected, yet it is still good. There is still accomplishment. There is still joy. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful...when I remember. :) I love my family! We're still figuring out how to be a family. One thing for sure is that we're here to help one another through this life--this test. I know we can stay strong, and keep progressing. Even when things turn out different than we had hoped. 

Today I was supposed to spend time with my husband at a football game-- without the kids. I love my kids, and those with kids know how re-charging it is to take some time every once in a while. :) However, my little ones were throwing up all night and our wonderful plans had to go by the wayside. I was very disappointed and sad. But I couldn't let myself stay that way very long because my sweet ones need me, and it's always better to stay positive and move forward.  Here's to moving forward...even if it's slow sometimes. <3

The Day I Stopped Yelling

This is "Y"

We all know I'm a work in progress. That is what I'm kind of documenting.  I'm happy to relate that there was a break-through this past month.  I no longer yell at my sweet daughter out of anger.

Why did it take so long?  Why was it happening in the first place?  Why couldn't I stop it sooner even though I had already recognized I needed to stop and desperately wanted to?

It's not really clear to me. Even when I come up with reasons, they all just seem so dumb that I wonder how I could have been so trapped and clouded by lameness.

My loving, patient husband had brought up the subject quite some time ago.  He mentioned that if I didn't find a way to have a better relationship with my daughter now that it would just be worse later on. I knew it. I didn't like it. Yet, I wasn't finding a way out. I wasn't making it happen. And maybe that was a hold-up....I was trying to MAKE it happen, instead of letting it happen.

The breaking point came the night before my daughter's 4th birthday.  Our family has recently been through some trying times involving an unfortunate situation with my daughter (which I won't go in to detail about, but which came from an outside source...and which we had thought we were doing enough to protect her from, but not so).  I felt so strongly and so deeply that I wanted the very best for her--and that I needed to change NOW. Enough was enough. I cried myself to sleep after prayers of repentance and commitment to never be that person again.

It was amazing. The next morning I was new.  I was different.  My relationship with my sweet girl was different and better.  After all this time of "trying", I can only attribute it to the real and powerful affect of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him, all things are possible.  I believed that, and it had proved true in other areas of my life...and now it has been proved yet again with this happy change.

Of course I am still not 100% perfect in every way as a parent.  I still get frustrated and impatient--but I do not raise my voice as I used to, or have as negative of tone of voice with my child.  Whether or not anyone who knows me finds this all a surprise or not-- (that I had this problem...because as with many, we don't like others to see our weaknesses)-- I willingly want to share this story of struggle. We all have weaknesses and attributes that we want to overcome or change. And we can do so-- one step at a time, one resolution at a time, one prayer at a time.

"'Twas I; but 'tis not I."

Summer Closing

The Next Thing

So I was cognizant of my deadline on the 21st....but I ran out of energy and motivation to actually make an entry. I guess that happened the next day too. Mostly I might be lazy, but I also figured it wasn't the biggest priority for me at the time. This blog is more of a personal accountability to myself to check in on my progress in my goals. And sometimes someone might read about it.

Summer is ending, and that brings Fall. It's been a fun, enjoyable Summer and I appreciate all it brings. Fall brings football games and General Conference...things I also enjoy and look forward to.

"Two steps forward, one step back." Something said often. It mentions making progress, while at the same time having set-backs. Yet the overall outcome is moving forward. Slowly, but surely. 

That is my journey, and the journey of most. We live, we learn, we make mistakes, we make improvements. My improvements have been greater than the sum of my mistakes. And that is what keeps me going. An upward climb to a higher goal-- to be my best possible self in my current circumstances. And to arrive at my next best self by the time I'm 40.

Summer Strength

HOORAY FOR SUMMER!

I love summer. And hey! It's the 21st of July and I'm writing on my blog!! :)

It has been a really great one so far. Enjoying each day, and each day bringing new insights and experiences and lessons and improvements.  I really could not ask for more right now. I am feeling great about my progress, yet staying humbled enough to realize this is for my whole life...to continuously strive for better and celebrate the accomplishments along the way.

I am able to give more details for various sections this time, so feel free to peruse the other tabs. I love life and I love you! <3

Happy Birthday to me! :)

3 More Years...

Now this blog might seem a little obsolete because the title is "Four Years to Forty"...but that's when this endeavor began, and the title and blog will remain until that 40th birthday arrives. :)

It really was a fantastic day/weekend for my birthday, and I've really enjoyed this past year. I am overall pleased with the improvements that have occurred in my life. I know I won't fully accomplish everything my heart desires by the end of this four years, yet I will be well on my way. And I'm pretty sure the feeling "Fabulous" part will absolutely be accomplished in 2018. :)

Obviously this blog is not an overwhelming priority, yet I still want to document the improvements made. I should be able to update the various applicable pages soon, but for now all can know that I feel good about my life and the progress being made. I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life, and for my faith in a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ! They make all the difference! <3

Monsoon Season

May 21st

[I attempted making a post from my smart phone yesterday, but apparently it didn't work...so here it is again.] :)

It's been nice to have a lot of rain lately. It may not be the ideal time for a bunch of moisture for many people, yet the drawbacks are much less than the benefits.

Such is the case with my progress. Although I would phrase it: the setbacks are less than the improvements. :) And like what happens with the earth and lots of rain...there has been much growth. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Financially maybe not so much, but that's not the most important right now.

I realize all of this is quite vague (as a result of my slothfulness in posting on my goal date of the 21st of each month)...however, I just want to mention that I love life, my family, my Savior and Father in Heaven, and each opportunity to become better. There are good chances when I'm surrounded by great people. :) <3 

April 21st

And Here We Are...

This past month has been fantastic.  Of course it has been up and down with adjusting to having 2 full-time kids instead of one. But I feel extremely lucky because my husband was able to take the full 6 weeks of FMLA and help me a ton in that adjustment. My 3 year old daughter had her daddy's full attention, and she loved it! I loved it too, and now we are starting to be able to transition to a full family experience-- spending time with everyone together as the newborn becomes more able to interact and allow me to do so. :) I still feel bad for the dog, as he has even less of my attention than before...which was very little. But I'm sure he'll survive.

As I get back into resumed efforts toward household chores, I realize I've let things slide somewhat. But I feel ok about it, and am ready to pick things back up. Unfortunately that lovely cleaned-out craft room again became a dumping ground...but I'm not giving up. I just have to clean it out again, and continue to strive to find a way to have it consistently stay nice. I guess I haven't determined a different way to go about things yet to avoid it becoming a stashing place, yet I'll keep working on that. Work-in-progress is the name of the game.

I find myself less motivated to sit down and write about where I am in the categories I have on this blog...maybe because I haven't done much. Though I'm looking forward to sharing more perhaps next month, when I can give a better run-down of the latest improvements. I'll be getting back into better exercise habits, begin preparations for a wardrobe overhaul, try some hair style solutions, and keep practicing my make-up application. In all the areas, the main goal is balance. So here's to going for that. :)

Spring is Here! :)

Due Dates and Deadlines

So I'm cutting it close on my 21st of each month posting goal.  But I made it!  Unfortunately the quality may not be up to par, but at least I'm here.

And my due date of March 1st was taken over by my being induced on February 27th.  It's a little random how it all came about (doctors were worried about my having possible gestational diabetes, my grandma was having a 90th birthday situation, my husband wanted to make sure the baby was born in February.....)-- but it all worked out okay. I was so grateful I didn't have to wait longer to have my baby boy come out. And I am extremely grateful that he was born healthy and well! 

My 3 year old is adjusting pretty well...but there are times when it's hard for her to have her mom occupied. We're all working on adjustments, and I hope we figure out how to do it well. We'll sure do our best! <3

A Couple Days Late...

Days to Come

So my new-found goal of posting on the 21st of each month lasted only a month...yet it is not the end of the world. In earlier times of my life, I would have had great difficulty continuing because I had failed in what I originally intended. But my progression in how I feel about goal setting and making improvements has led me to understand that as long as I am moving in a positive direction, I don't need to worry too much about small set-backs. Perfection is not absolutely necessary for improvement. Yes, perfection is still the ideal-- yet as far as the goals I make for myself I know there are times when I will not make the cut.

I intended to make sure I got to the blog on the 21st. It was a Saturday. I probably should have had the time. What ended up happening was me spending a few hours trying to finish a book I was reading before I had to take it back to the library since it was due that day. Then there were some errands to do, and a toddler to take care of. Then a fun social event to get ready for that evening, and going to that event with my husband. I probably could have stayed up late in the night to accomplish my task...yet for some reason I did not feel strongly about needing to. Maybe that's weakness and laziness, or just giving in to mediocrity. Or maybe it didn't register very strongly on the "important" scale at the time. Whatever the case, here I am to report on the latest.

My baby boy will be born this week! At least that's what the doctor indicated at my last appointment. I'll visit the doctor tomorrow and most likely be scheduled to be induced by the end of the week.  As I've been spending time with my 3-year-old daughter, I've been thinking about how these are the last days that it will be just her and me. I'm sure it will be an adjustment for her to not be the main focus of the majority of my time. I'm glad I've been able to appreciate the time I've had with her...even when she tests my patience with her sassy attitude and whining. We went up to Bridal Veil Falls in Provo Canyon one day on the way to visit a friend. I am always so intrigued by her excitement about seemingly "ordinary" things-- yet to her, it all still seems new. She loved looking at the trees and the flowing river and the big rocks as we made our way on the path to the waterfall. Life is renewed every time a child comes into the world, and I'm looking forward to the days to come! <3

New Year, New Goal

Here I Am, As Promised :)

January 21st, 2015

I'm off to a good start. At the start of the year I mentioned I would now at least post the 21st of each month. So here I am.

This picture I'm using for the post really describes what has filled my life, and also represents accomplishments and what I have been working with.

My great husband and sweet 3-year-old daughter are a source of much joy....as well as a source of learning experiences. :) I am grateful for the ways I have improved in my relationships with them, and the ways we have all grown together. Another source of joy and learning is my amazing 14-year-old step-daughter, who is not present in this picture nor has been very present in our lives lately. Yet I continue to hope that she will still feel a part of our family as we think of her, love her, and want the best for her always. <3

Our American Bulldog/Boxer dog, Dozer, has also been a learning experience and trial for me for a while. I'm not sure why I've been struggling with liking him as much as our other dogs-- I only know that I have not had much patience with him during his puppy learning stage. He has been destructive and pretty much annoying (although him getting on my nerves might have to do something with my pregnancy??). I have had much anxiety and anger with this dog. Yet I'm glad to say that I have much improved in the past month or so. I am better at keeping things in perspective, and I'm having better control of my emotions when dealing with our dog's naughty nature. I really feel my actions towards the dog in the past have influenced my 3-year-old and how she treats the dog (and her parents). So now that I'm more calm, I have seen an improved difference in myself and in her.

I did not participate in the sledding day fun, as I was about 7 months pregnant at the time. I enjoyed the sunny day and getting out and doing something, and watching my family have fun. Not that I didn't still over-worry about things (like safety on the sled and the dog roaming around.) I am just grateful to be so healthy and to have opportunities to enjoy life! I truly feel blessed.

As for the sledding metaphor...the ride down is worth the hike back up. Life has its ups and downs (in this case, the ups being more difficult than the downs.) It is all part of the experience. You can't really have one without the other. And that's what makes living so grand. The enjoyment comes alongside great effort and sometimes struggle. It is tiring at times, yet also brings rest and fun.  With the improvements I've been striving for in my life, I really feel increasingly strengthened having to climb back up the same hills each time. It actually IS getting easier and I feel much more capable to accomplish what I set out to do.

I am updating some of the individual sections of this blog today as well. I know change and improvement is possible at any stage in life. :)

2015!

The Sky is the Limit!

So I have pretty much abandoned my blog for a while. But I have a new goal. Since my birthday is on the 21st of June, my intent is to post at least once a month on the 21st of each month. That will keep me fairly current and give me a do-able (and memorable) goal.

The past couple months have been great! Of course there have been ups and downs, but overall I have really felt like I'm getting there...that life is good and that I'm becoming a better person.  I have recognized my blessings more, despite things not being ideal. I have made better efforts in my home and with my family, and it makes a great difference in myself and in those around me. I still have much to learn regarding patience and trying to avoid dumb mistakes- (both of these have involved our bulldog/boxer puppy who isn't much of a puppy but still young...). Yet I am extremely hopeful and excited for the coming year!  I will briefly post the latest in the various categories in which I have done something recently.

Here's to a great year!! :)