Hanging in the Balance (from March 2018)

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I'm an Idiom

idiom: "a group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words"

Hanging in the balance. (an idiom)
"To be perilously close to failing, depending on the outcome of something.
"Be in a precarious condition or in a state of suspense."

The definition of an idiom sounds like when I try to communicate something. :)

I chose this particular idiom (hanging in the balance) because that is what my life has felt like at various times--especially recently. In some ways, I guess we're all one step away from "failing" (whatever your definition of that may be.) Making a big mistake or a wrong turn or whatever it might be. Yet I always go back to a quote that my junior high choir teacher put to music:

"I'm not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed. And the number of times that I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying." --Tom Hopkins (no relation)

Mom fails, wife fails, job fails,calling fails, sister/daughter/friend fails--- you name it, I've done it. However, I'm not done trying. Trying might as well be my middle name. Life is full of precarious conditions. We felt suspended as we waited for our home to be built. Yet we are in and happy and life is fine--even with personal set-backs of questioning if I'm good enough or strong enough or smart enough.

Yikes, I'm being so vague. I'm not trying to hide my reality, I just don't know what to share. Basically it's been really difficult for me to find some kind of balance with all my responsibilities at home and work and--life. Perhaps that's an unending quest, finding true balance. Yet some days I feel really close, and I know I'm improving. So even if I'm "hanging"-- I'll hang with balance.

5 Months Out (written 1/21/18)

What It Is

Sometimes you can get to know what something is by knowing what it is not.

As I'm appreciating the occupation of our new home, I've been thinking of the things we won't have to deal with anymore. As my siblings and parents often say, "First world problems."

• Live in close quarters (either in a trailer or apartment).
• Do laundry at the laundromat or hang clothes on a clothesline.
• Not have a place for things.
• Scrape windshields in frost or snow.
• Have limited choices of meals to make.
• Worry about limited data.
• Have less selection of apparel.

Maybe there is more, but those are the main things I've thought of. And they're really not that big of a deal. What I know is that I will not take anything I have for granted, and truly appreciate it. 

What it is, is:

• A miracle.
• Awesome.
• Wonderful.

I'm not sure lucky and blessed belong in the same sentence, but I'm not sure how to separate the feeling. Thinking back on the past 10 years (our anniversary is in a couple of weeks), it's interesting and amazing how we got here. Yet we got here together. It's where we are supposed to be and where we're going to stay. I love this great, roller-coaster, incredible life!

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, 

life is but a dream."

1 More Year to Go

Happy Birthday to Me! 

I'm 39 today!

This post is going to be rather boring, as I am too lazy to include any pictures at the moment. Yet it's not boring to me because of all the amazing, miraculous, awesome stuff that has happened and for which I am extremely grateful in the last month!

• Put house up for sale.
• Had 4 offers (above asking price) and under contract in 4 days.
• Found out about, applied for, and obtained a job as the PE/Health teacher at North Sanpete Middle School!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Moved to Fairview ( a beautiful place just right for our family)
• Have so many loving, amazing family and friends with whom to enjoy life!

Blessings from above is all I can think of or say. And there are SO SO many fabulous people in my life who have helped me get to this point in my life. To you all I say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!!! <3

The Low Down and the Up & Up

 Change is good...right?

There is much need for an update. We are selling our house in Provo.

We have loved it here. We love being close to the river trail and the lake. We like our house and love our yard. We are so grateful for all that brought us to this place. We considered making our house more into what we wanted. And then there was the feeling that we needed to eventually be somewhere else.

In the meantime, we put in a dump-truck full of soft beach sand in the hole where our pond used to be.

I also finally got my hair colored. The sun makes it look a lot more drastic, but it turned out nice. :)

As we determined we were going to move, I also got really motivated to finish more projects. This is a quilt I started for my parents' 25th Anniversary-- they will be celebrating their 40th anniversary this year. ;)-  Thanks to a lovely quilting genius in my neighborhood, it turned out really well. :) (My sisters and I pieced it and finished the edge.)

Daniel rented some fun equipment to finish off the rest of the hole from the former pond.

We've been enjoying our yard now that the weather has (mostly) turned nice. This boy even learned how to ride his sisters' four-wheeler. :)

There are many things I will miss about being here. The mountains and places I have grown up with.

Most of all, I'll miss being around the wonderful people I have come to know and learn from. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to letting them know sufficiently how much I appreciate them, yet I hope they at least feel it.

I know these low feelings will eventually give way to the exciting feelings of being in a new place-- building a new home-- having adventures with my fun little family.  The kids have had fun playing on the building materials on a lot close to ours in Fairview.

 






We get to live in a trailer while our house is built, and that will be good times. I think we'll enjoy our .69 acre slice of heaven (90 feet wide, 300 & something feet long). ;)

My Life as a Cross Stitch

Girl with Cosmos

Why I Could Die Happy Today

In the Summer of 1998*, I had the opportunity to go live with my mother’s oldest sister’s family in Texas and work at my uncle’s company in the office. This was a very welcome gift, as I was somewhat lost as a young adult—having started college, yet struggled and resorted to working instead. I had never lived away from home, yet this felt do-able because I would still be with family.

I was so grateful to Aunt Ginny for having me live in her home for a year and a half or so, I wanted to do something special for her. It’s been so long, I don’t really know how it came about—if I had started the cross stitch piece and my aunt commented on it, or if I purchased it specifically for her. Whatever the case, the cross stitch was to be the gift I chose to say THANK YOU.

And so it was that I had great hopes once I left Texas in the Fall of 1999* to quickly complete her gift and deliver it.

Hopes only go so far.

I have contemplated recently that it might be part of my personality or some kind of other disorder, yet the main concept is that I start things and have trouble finishing them. I’m pretty sure it was a miracle I finished a college degree. With that weakness, it has been a burdensome existence to have many things around me unfinished. Until now.

Honestly, I don’t know what has made the biggest difference—the medication, or my ability at last to prioritize more effectively and actually DO things rather than just THINK about them. Ultimately, I must give much of the credit to the miraculous effect of the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Since the time I truly humbled myself and admitted I couldn’t change and be better on my own and relied on the Lord, I have been quite a better version of myself.

Now as to why my life is like this cross stitch I finally completed.

First, the words of a children’s song:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in Heaven it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God’s light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God’s plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

So if you’ve never done any kind of counted cross stitch thing, it comes with a pattern and a ‘plan’ (if you will) as to how to go about sewing it. I did my best to follow the plan, yet there were places where I miscounted the stitches and things got off a little. I don’t believe I messed up enough to have to pick out the stitches and start over, yet the overall picture is certainly not perfect. In fact, there are LOTs of mistakes. I didn’t even bother taking a pic of the sample picture because I didn’t want to show what was left out or different. J However—and you can make your own judgment—I think it turned out rather nice. You can tell there was effort and care, even if it did take a long time to complete because it was neglected for various lengths of time. You can tell what the picture is supposed to be, and it looks pretty good. The mistakes aren’t really noticeable unless you’re a cross stitch expert or have the  plans and examine how it matches up or doesn’t.

Thus is my life. I have desires to complete it in a pleasing way, yet I know I’ve made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes—and possibly some things will be left out. Yet I know that because of the Savior, my life will still be beautiful and meaningful and I can offer it as a pleasing gift to my Heavenly Father when my time is done. My cross stitch could never adequately express all the thanks I feel to my aunt and all she has done for me—just as any good I could ever do would never adequately match the priceless gifts God has given to me. Yet what I can offer is sufficient, and will be accepted.

I know I have much more to learn and do here on earth, yet I could die happy today because I finally completed something important that I started.

*It's been so long, I didn't even have the years right at first. :)-

Seeing and Healing

Comparison: left=dirty, right=clean

All clean :)

My Apologies to those who have been in my house the past few years...

I have been admiring my fridge-- both outside and inside-- for the past few weeks. Why? Because I FINALLY deep cleaned it.

Had I noticed that it needed to be cleaned before? Probably. I'm pretty sure I cleaned the inside of the fridge a few times in the last few years. The outside though....yikes! I guess I didn't realize what the accumulation of opening and closing the fridge door with human hands had done to the handles. I'm pretty sure I tried wiping the handles down a few times in the last few years. Obviously that didn't cut it.

I finally decided to do a GREAT job instead of an OK job of cleaning. And I had to start small. It basically took the following tools: 

I had used each of these tools before, but the difference afterward hadn't been anything like what happened to my fridge handles. It was amazing the change that had come about! I had no idea I had been living and being content with such mediocrity.

I blame it on blindness. On apathy. On whatever has been plaguing my life with ho-hum living. It feels so nice to break free of that and start making changes--even though they are small. And I realize that's the method I need to work with. So often I want to tackle a cleaning task (i.e. the whole kitchen) in one day. That usually doesn't happen and is not realistic with my time or energy or life with kids. So lately I have just been choosing something to work on each day. Like President Thomas S. Monson said: "Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a cinch."

I want my home to be clean and inviting and a place where my family can be healthy and happy. I will continue to seek out good resources for ideas and encouragement and help. This one might be retro, but it's pretty fun. :)

The #LighttheWorld initiative is a wonderful way to live this month! I am so grateful for Jesus Christ who helps me to see in so many ways and heals me. I use present tense verbs because it is happening even now and will continue to happen for the rest of my life as I turn to Him. <3

Maturity

Growing Up

I may have mentioned I've been reading my journals from my past. (This pic is of my current journal.) It's been very interesting and educational. It's nice to see the progress made, and I've rolled my eyes when I continued to make the same dumb mistakes...and realized that I am still doing some of the lame things I used to.  I've mostly been skimming through (because there is a lot of life I've written down...and eventually a project will be to type it all up in digital form.) 

What I've gleaned from my past is that I have taken a VERY long time growing up. I think immaturity is a characteristic of issues such as bipolar or personality disorders. It's such a weird experience waking up to a new awareness of my thinking processes and reasons behind my actions.

Maturity can be defined in a lot of different ways, yet a Google search produces some helpful ventures. Such as THIS. And this.  For my own definition, it is coming to live life on my own terms and not just following along with some idea of what I "should" be doing. I absolutely need the guidance that I've received as a general outline of my life...yet it is up to me to decide who I will become. 

And the way to become my very best self is to give my will to God. He knows so much better what will help me and what I'm capable of-- and how to reach that potential. I have been so stubborn and prideful for much too long, trying to make it on my own. I've given my Heavenly Father a nod along the way-- as in "Yes, I know you're there....and I believe in You and know You are important to me. I just want to be strong and independent and show You that I don't need help like other people do."

HA!!!!!

He is kind and wise and patient and oh so merciful. He knows in my heart I've wanted to do the right things (even if not always for the best reasons), and He knows I've made silly errors in thinking and understanding what is real and true. EVEN SO-- what I continue to learn is it is never too late. Now is the best time. For whatever. For truly growing up-- while still remaining child-like in my enthusiasm for life, love for others, and faith and hope in possibilities.